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culture

Televisualist: Man, Those Angels Are Testy

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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We bet you didn’t know that angels, forces of holy power beyond human comprehension, also have to wear body armour like they are in the X-Men.

Monday

The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story is probably not safe for you to watch. It is, after all, unauthorized. This is a special that has not been reviewed by any regulatory agency. It may even be a bootleg, stolen off the back of a car of authorized Saved by the Bell specials. You wouldn’t want that on your conscience. (M3, 9 p.m.)

Houdini stars Adrien Brody as Houdini, and really, when the next biggest name is Kristen Connolly (who was on House of Cards), you know they spent half of the money for this on Brody and most of the rest of the other half on costumes and set design. However, it’s a pretty good miniseries, so: money well spent, we guess. (History, 9 p.m.)

Not only is Million Dollar Listing New York returning for a third season of reminding you you’re too poor to afford property in New York—now you can also watch Million Dollar Listing Miami so you can be reminded twice as much of your poverty! (Slice, New York 9 p.m., Miami 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

Sure, a title like The Story of Frozen: Making a Disney Animated Classic seems a little presumptuous—after all, Frozen is less than a year old, so calling it a “classic” seems to be the worst kind of hubris. But then again, little kids will not stop singing its songs under any and all circumstances, including being threatened with murder if they sing an off-tune “Let It Go,” so maybe it’s a classic already. (ABC, 8 p.m.)

Highway to Hell returns for another season of fighting oil fires, all the while failing to ask if maybe all this oil drilling is perhaps unwise, what with all the fires and other sundry problems. (Discovery, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Dominion is a TV show in which angels have all but exterminated humans, but there is a Chosen One (no, really, it’s capitalized), and the surviving humans have somehow organized themselves into a feudal system in the twenty-five years since the war began because, I dunno, the showrunners thought Game of Thrones was really awesome? Anyway, the point is this: this is a terribly, terribly stupid show, even if Anthony Stewart Head is in it. (Showcase, 10 p.m.)

Beat Bobby Flay is, unfortunately, a show in which no one at any point beats Bobby Flay in a violent manner, so what else do you need to know? (Food Channel, 9 p.m.)

Top Chef Duels features former Top Chef contestants, who are now successful chefs, daring each other to make awesome food. The show structure seems a little loose, but given that they’re using only former chef-testants who were entertaining and skilled, it should probably work out. (Food Channel, 10 p.m.)


Thursday

The 2014–15 NFL season kicks off with the Green Bay Packers visiting the Seattle Seahawks, and we expect Rob Ford will be watching. Quick, somebody schedule a mayoral debate! (TSN, 8:30 p.m.)


Friday

It’s time again for celebrities to tell us all to Stand Up to Cancer, in case we had all decided that we were just going to let cancer do whatever it wanted. Thanks, celebrities! (Global, 8 p.m.)


The Weekend

Utopia: a reality show that combines Survivor’s remote location and Big Brother’s omnipresent camera voyeurism and claims it will air for one year but, who knows, maybe it will last thirteen weeks and then get cancelled. We’ll put the over/under at twenty-four weeks. (City, 8 p.m. Sunday)

Boardwalk Empire returns for its final season, and this oddly reticent HBO show —the one that makes you try to figure out its theme rather than just shouting it in your face—has grown on us over the years. We want to see where it ends up, and we wouldn’t have said that in the first three seasons. (HBO Canada, 9 p.m. Sunday)

Angels Among Us, a series about real people claiming they have met real angels, airs on CNN, because irony is dead. Maybe one of them could warn us about this forthcoming angel apocalypse that will force humanity back into feudalism! (10 p.m. Sunday)

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