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culture

Televisualist: You’re Going Down, Ghana

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“I’m going to be the community activist lawyer, aren’t I, Kelsey?” “Weellllll …” “Yeah, I figured.”

Monday

Bachelor in Paradise is a sort of spiritual sequel to Bachelor Pad, the awful show that took heaps of contestants from past Bachelors and Bachelorettes and just sort of threw them together so that one of them would win money. But this time around, nobody wins money! They just win a chance at love! Or, rather, they get a chance to be on a Bachelor show so they don’t have to work at their real job for a little while. (City, 8 p.m.)

King of Cones: it’s Top Chef, but for ice cream only. (Food Network, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

In case you were aching for more World Cup soccer, the FIFA Under-20 Women’s World Cup is happening right now, and unlike the real World Cup, Canada actually has a team and maybe even a chance at winning. Tonight, we take on Ghana. You’re going down, Ghana. Well, actually, you’re kind of “down” already, economically speaking, at least compared to us, and maybe we shouldn’t celebrate if we beat you. Ah, whatever—suck it, Ghana. (CBC, 8 p.m.)


Wednesday

W has picked up The Audience, a reality show where an average person is followed around by 50 people and gets the opportunity to ask those strangers major life questions (“Should I have a baby?”, “Should we stay married or should we end it?”—that sort of thing). Interesting? Quite possibly! Maybe! We have no idea whatsoever. (10 p.m.)


Thursday

There has been next to no press for Partners, which is a new sitcom starring Kelsey Grammer and Martin Lawrence as lawyers who work together despite wacky culture clashes (one’s a corporate lawyer! One’s a community activist!), which probably means that it’s horrible. And before anybody says, “but come on—Kelsey Grammer!” we say, “do you remember Back To You or Hank?” And you say, “no,” and we say, “exactly.” (Global, 8 p.m.)


Friday

Dick Cavett’s Watergate: old footage of Dick Cavett interviewing the particulars involved in the Watergate scandal. Perfectly scheduled for hardcore history nerds. (PBS, 10 p.m.)

The Knick is Steven Soderbergh’s new series starring Clive Owen and it’s … about doctors. Because all the teevee shows must be about doctors or lawyers or superheroes. But seriously, this is actually a historical drama, since the doctors are doing their doctoring in 1900 New York City. Also there will be some grave-robbing, it seems. Fun. (HBO Canada, 11 p.m.)


The Weekend

It’s the 2014 Teen Choice Awards! We always love the Teen Choice Awards for the naked sales pitch that they are. For example, this year Vampire Academy is nominated for “Choice Comedy Film” despite the fact that A) critics hated it, B) it was a pathetic failure at the box office, and, crucially, C) teens didn’t like it. But you know someone (probably at the Weinstein Company) figures that the Teen Choice Awards are an opportunity to convince teens to make an effort to see their awful movie, so there you have it. At least Vampire Academy’s nomination makes more sense than Million Dollar Arm being nominated for “Choice Drama,” since last we checked teens did not so much care about Jon Hamm portraying a baseball scout. (Global, 8 p.m. Sunday)

CMT, pressed to fill airtime, has once again picked up old seasons of Top Shot, which is like Top Chef except instead of cooking it’s shooting at things. They are currently airing a season from 2012, because Canadian television has no standards. (10 p.m. Sunday)


CORRECTION: August 8, 2014, 4:25 PM This post originally listed The Knick as appearing at 11 p.m. Sunday, when in fact it will air at 11 p.m. Friday. We regret the error.

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