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culture

Televisualist: Crimes, With Reasons

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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We are trying to think of a good joke caption for this that references “Glee” and is still tasteful, and we are failing miserably. Sorry.

Monday

The Bachelorette returns for a 10th season of defining women by their relationships to men. Seriously, every single Bachelorette in the show’s history has been a rejected contestant on The Bachelor. At some point, you would think maybe someone would say, “Hey, maybe a Bachelorette can just be an awesome lady we find somewhere.” But no, that is not the case, and TV has made it clear that desirable women are found only in reality show casting agencies’ Rolodexes. Assuming they still have Rolodexes these days. Are Rolodexes still a thing? (City, 9:30 p.m.)

Lorne Michaels’s stranglehold on NBC continues to tighten with the premiere/trial balloon for The Maya Rudolph Show, which is billed as a variety show à la the old ’70s variety shows of the Donny & Marie/Sonny & Cher style: celebrity guests (Rudolph has Kristen Bell, Fred Armisen, and Andy Samberg for this), a musical guest (Janelle Monáe), and sketches and singing and silliness all around. Who knows if a variety show is a thing people want anymore/again, but this is your chance, everybody. (NBC, 10 p.m.)

Back for a fifth season: the increasingly inaccurately named Rookie Blue. In fairness, Reasonably Experienced Blue isn’t as good a title. (Global, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

Dancing With the Stars concludes, and your finalists this season include Amy Purdy, the Paralympic snowboarder whose legs were amputated at the knees, and although for obvious reasons Purdy can’t quite do everything dancers with full legs can do, her performances have been very good nonetheless. Of course, because dancing judges are sympathetic but fair, she and her partner have been getting only middling grades (Olympic ice dancer Meryl Davis has, unsurprisingly, been dominating the competition), but remain in contention because the voting public likes a good story. (CTV2, 9 p.m.)

Shannon and Sophie is a reality series about Shannon Tweed and her daughter Sophie Tweed-Simmons, whom Tweed had with Gene Simmons—and that right there is a strike against common decency. Screw you, Gene Simmons! Forever! (W, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Survivor concludes what has been a relentlessly entertaining season, if not one with contestants you can easily cheer for: of the final four, only Woo is a likeable player (although not a very skilled one). However, arrogant Tony, self-impressed Spencer, and possible worst-person-in-the-world Kass have made the season entertaining as all get-out with their various antics, so whoever wins, it should be satisfying. Unless it’s Kass, because she is the worst. (Global, 8 p.m.)

Motive returns for a second season of being a crime show in which the people who do crimes have reasons for doing crimes! Still so novel! (CTV, 10 p.m.)


Thursday

Last Comic Standing returns after a four-year hiatus with Roseanne Barr, Keenan Ivory Wayans, and Russell Peters serving as judges, and the removal of open auditions (presumably since it got tiring real fast to see wannabe “comedians” and their unfunny routines). (NBC, 9 p.m.)

Gang Related is a cop show about cops who go after gangs, but one of the cops is a secret gang member! “OOooooOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOo” somehow seems insufficient to describe this bold, daring premise. (Fox, 9 p.m.)


Friday

Buy It! Fix It! Sell It! deserves credit for taking the entire “restoration of junk” reality show genre and distilling it down to a single sentence, if nothing else. (HGTV, 10 p.m.)


The Weekend

The Normal Heart is HBO’s star-studded (Mark Ruffalo, Julia Roberts, Jim Parsons, Taylor Kitsch, Alfred Molina) movie adaptation of the famous Larry Kramer play about the beginnings of the AIDS epidemic in the ’80s. Our only warning sign here is that Ryan Murphy, best known for Glee, is directing, and perhaps the hands that put together Glee are not best suited to handle this. But that’s a great cast. (HBO Canada, 9 p.m. Sunday)

Comments

  • waltkovacs

    Perhaps “A Cop Rock tribute on the next episode of Glee”?