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culture

Televisualist: Lots of People Shooting Crime

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Just two good cops, one of whom has an entirely believable hairpiece.

Monday

The Bachelor is back for yet another season, following the second model of the show, which is “failed contestant from a season of The Bachelorette,” as opposed to the original concept, which was “rich douche.” (The Bachelorette never has a Bachelorette who isn’t a failed Bachelor contestant, because women are not allowed to be successful of their own accord in Reality TV Land.) This season’s failed contestant is Juan Pablo Galavis, who definitely has a great name, so that’s something going for him, we guess. (CFMT, 8 p.m.)

Hostages concludes its first season, which is probably going to be its only season given that A) the ratings are not good and B) this show is insane. And not fun insane, but the stupid and bad kind of insane that makes people think just anybody can write a teevee show. It was dumb from the first episode and never got better. So, you know, watch literally anything else except The Bachelor. (CTV, 9 p.m.)


Tuesday

Adam Beach’s robotic stare returns for a third season of Arctic Air, which is rapidly turning into one of those CBC dramas you don’t know anybody who watches but still has 700,000 people watching it somehow. Seriously, my mom watches most CBC dramas (she thinks it’s patriotic) and even she doesn’t watch Arctic Air. Maybe the CBC has an army of slaves imprisoned in rural Manitoba somewheres, and they all watch it. (8 p.m.)

Intelligence is Josh “Sawyer from Lost” Holloway’s new action series about a secret agent with the Internet in his head. Basically, if you want to watch Sawyer running around and shooting people and punching people and making snarky comments and also he kind of has superpowers sort of, then this is the show for you. We say that knowing that we want to watch that show. (CTV, 9 p.m.)

Now, on the other hand, if you want to watch Tricia Helfer running around and shooting people and punching people and making snarky comments and also she makes out with Riley from Buffy the Vampire Slayer at one point, you might want to watch Killer Women, except that it’s not quite as good as you would hope, so maybe not. (City, 10 p.m.)

On tonight’s debut of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: nobody cares. (This is both ironic commentary and also actual fact.) (Slice, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

Chicago PD is a show about a police intelligence unit led by a bad cop who is secretly a good cop pretending to be a bad cop! It’s The Shield except for dumb people! Hooray! (Global, 8 p.m.)

Dude, You’re Screwed is definitely a bro-ish show: its premise is that survival experts are “kidnapped” and dropped off at a remote location and have to survive for 100 hours. Lots of testosterone mixed into the survival show genre here, but it’s not dull. (Discovery Channel, 8 p.m.)


Thursday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Days of Wine and D’ohses,” the one in which Barney sobers up. He then remained sober for three seasons, incidentally. “When I think back to all the time I wasted at Moe’s…” “Wasted? What about our staring contests? And the way we always knew what football coaches should have done? Remember the time we jumped that census guy and stole his clicker?” (MuchMusic, 9 p.m.)


Friday

Enlisted is a show set in the U.S. Army that manages to do things other than openly worship the Army; it’s not quite at the disrespect level of, say, a Sgt. Bilko, but it’s definitely goofy and smart-alecky about the armed forces in a way that might not have been possible even five years ago on national TV. That being said, it’s still kind of uneven, but we’re giving it points for effort. (City, 9:30 p.m.)

Showcase has picked up Helix, a SyFy original horror/SF series that actually looks kind of promising, and for a SyFy series, that’s not half bad. Worth a single watch, at least. (10 p.m.)


The Weekend

The 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards are this weekend, and Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting again, and really that’s all we needed to be told. (CTV, 8 p.m. Sunday)

This is HBO’s big winter premiere weekend, starting off with the debut of True Detective, the new crime drama starring Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey—and the draw here is that this is a crime drama television series starring Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey. It’s slow-paced, dark and serious in tone, gorgeously shot, and although we are not certain of its merits yet—this is going to be a series judged on the whole of the season, not the few episodes we’ve seen so far—it’s definitely worth watching. (Sunday, 9 p.m.)

HBO also has the third season of Girls starting tonight with a back-to-back, and the big word for this season is that there will be actual visible minorities on the show now! So that’s exciting. (Sunday, 10 p.m.)

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