We Torontonians like to complain how the Blue Jays and other Canuck franchises never seem to get their due from the Americans, so it’s nice to know that The Onion, the continent’s most venerable fake news source, is paying attention.
In this biting li’l article they manage a surprisingly effective analysis of Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi’s trade “strategy” as it pertained to ace Roy Halladay. The scoop? “There never really was a Roy Halladay.”
Those paying attention to reality might recall Ricciardi igniting a firestorm ahead of the All Star Game by letting slip the team’s franchise player could be gone, for the right offer. Having taken the attention away from Halladay’s earning the starting role at the game, the GM subsequently made statements about how Halladay had started the whole thing and, in general, made a big ol’ PR mess until, finally, the trade deadline came and went on July 31 with our embattled stud pitcher still here.
Props to go to The Onion for digging deep—citing perfume magnate/southpaw Gustatvo Chacin and “quoting” erstwhile second baseman Orlando Hudson—in their “investigation” of how Halladay was created as a front for the Blue Jays pitching staff. The comedic highlight is probably Cito Gaston suggesting they were in a pinch when “Halladay” was selected to the All Star team. The solution? Dressing up Brian Tallet and sending him. “We thought for sure someone would notice at that point. But hey, who recognizes Brian Tallet?” Gaston offers.
We don’t want to spoil the punchline, but suffice it to say that, like all The Onion‘s best work, it seems eerily truthful despite its absurdity.