By Christopher Bird

Toronto principal in controversial controversy over explicit poems he wrote and posted to his website. This is of course the first recorded case ever of somebody getting in trouble for something they wrote on the Internet, and the scandal has sent shock waves through the online community. “Wait, somebody actually reads this shit?” said Patrick Metzger. “Dammit, I better re-emphasize that my erotic snuff story about Geri Halliwell is purely a work of fiction!”
Barack Obama clobbers Hillary Clinton in Mississippi. The Clinton team responded by arguing that the state doesn’t count because it was only one Mississippi, and everybody knows you have to get to ten Mississippi before it’s for real.
Loblaws warns of arsenic in some of its juice products. The company is responding swiftly, pulling all the President’s Choice Organics Pear Juice from Concentrate for Toddlers from its shelves so it can be relabeled as President’s Choice Organic Poisoned Pear Juice for Your Enemies.
Top U.S. commander in mideast resigns. Admiral William Fallon was by all accounts probably the single strongest and most emphatic proponent within the military of not going to war against Iran, so expect blitz attacks on Tehran around, oh, let’s call it October, just a bit of a hunch there.
Toronto Fire Service opens doors, gets 3,000 new applicants. The online advertisements apparently reminded many people that when they were six, all they wanted to do was be a fireman. (Among the rejectees: the three members of Remington’s “Firemen… are Hot!” team of erotic dancers.)
The Leafs beat the Flyers in overtime, keeping unrealistic hopes of a Stanley Cup run alive in the hearts of foolish dreamers everywhere.
And finally, Mary Ann got caught with some Mary Jane.
Photo by JaMmCat from the Torontoist Flickr Pool.