The Torontoist Bicycult Must be Stopped
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The Torontoist Bicycult Must be Stopped

We tip our hat to you, Mike Strobel!


The website Torontoist decided last month “it’s time to address the misconception that bike lanes are useless during the winter.”

It tallied up to 207 cyclists using the “pilot” lanes during morning rush hour.

I enjoy Torontoist, but it is a cheerleader for the effete elite, and rabidly anti-car. Its story sneered at your jalopy as “a space monster virtually without equal.” It dismissed arguments against bike lanes in winter as a ploy by the “auto lobby.”—Mike Strobel, “Bloor bike test: ‘this is stupid!’”, Toronto Sun.

Let’s face it, Mike nailed us.

As a columnist for Torontoist, I’ll be the first to admit that most of the folks who work here are part of the effete elite.

They spend all their time actively plotting the downfall of the working man’s jalopy.

At least when they’re not too busy scooting around town on their French-style bicyclettes (probably headed to another champagne tasting or eco-social-justice teach-in).

As the one sane, conservative guy on the Torontoist staff, you should see the looks I get from all the latte-sippers at head office when I park my Humvee diagonally across a bike lane out front.

Their effete monocles practically pop out of the sockets and land right in their elite flutes of Dom Perignon.

‘Twas always thus with Torontoist’s War on Cars.

I’ve had to keep my mouth shut because their fat cats are signing the cheques. That ends today.

Thankfully a hardworking, lunch pail-carrying op-ed columnist from the billion dollar Sun-media conglomerate has finally put my colleagues (and the millionaire elites in the bicycultists lobby) in their place.

A hearty hat tip to you, Mike Strobel.

I can just see the tax-dodging, urban-peddlers squirming on their fixed-gears.

My only problem with the article? Mike went too easy on my colleagues. Yup. He’s soft on Torontoist, soft on the bicycultists and soft on the effete elite.

The only thing softer than his latest takedown is the heavily moisturized hands of an out-of-touch Liberal Cabinet Member.

First of all, he pulls his punches. I agree that bike lanes were just the opening salvo on the War on Cars, but this isn’t a War anymore.

We should call it like it is. Our vans and sedans are literally facing genocide.

Quit tamping down the rhetoric, Mike.

Did you know that because of the bike lanes many taxpaying drivers are terrified on their commute home? That’s if they get home at all (most drivers are killed by deranged cyclists on their commute).

And what about sidewalks? Mike completely ignored this blight eating up vital space that could be better used for more car-roads!

These days most car-drivers are too afraid about the backlash from the lame stream media to cruise along those perfectly open, underused sidewalks.

Meanwhile pedestrianazis breeze along our roads on these “crosswalks” forced down our throats by the entitled snoots at City Hall, Queens Park and Ottawa (a.k.a. Trudeau-land).

I don’t know how Mike missed that one?

I was also upset to hear that Strobel did his research from a Starbucks—I didn’t take him for being a latte-sipper.

But I guess that’s just not my taste. I personally wrote this article while sipping a large, Canuck-style black coffee—Tim Hortons, of course.

The one thing Mike got right? Hitting the pavement for the real scoop from the bicycultists themselves.

Sometimes you got to hear it from the horse’s mouth. Or in this case, the horse’s butt (because cyclists are buttheads).

In fact, I also did a little research of my own. In “enemy territory,” if you will.

Yesterday I spent the morning darting into oncoming traffic on Bloor Street to hear what the Trotscyclists (you can use that one, Mike) had to say for themselves. Here’s how it went:

Me (friendly): “Here comes a cyclist…Hey snowflake, what’s the big idea taking up space that could be better used for parking my truck?”

First Cyclist (scowling): “Get out of the bike lane!”

Me (even friendlier): “Jeez…Oh here comes another…Hey princess, how’s about making room for a real vehicle, like a Dodge Ram?”

Second Cyclist (gesturing violently, like a killer): “Be careful!”

Me (magnanimously): “Yikes, maybe I’ll have better luck with the next one…Hey comrade, Stalin called and he says he wants his bike lane idea back!”

Third Cyclist (treasonously): “What the hell are you doing!?”

The worst part? Each one of those cyclists went on to run a red light and cut-off an ambulance full of orphans.

In fact, compared to what I saw, Mike and The Sun were going easy on the bicycultists. He barely even mentioned how they all had death-wishes. It was practically a puff piece.

I think the problem is that Mike was too busy trying to beat the bicycrazies at their own game.

For gosh sakes, he was out there doing data-collection. Geez louise, what’s next? A rigorous, well-researched piece on bicycle traffic in winter?

Mike, you’re an op-ed man like myself. We’re supposed to be unmoved by what the numbers say.

We get all we need from half-remembered anecdotes, folksy aphorisms, “common sense” and whatever else comes off the top of our domes.

Sure, gabbing with the common man is okay, but thinking and analyzing too much is the op-ed man’s greatest foe.

Talk to Joe Warmington, he’ll set you straight.

For example, for this article, I just saw I had a deadline coming up, put on my trusty writing fedora and began hammering away on my laptop.

I didn’t even know what I was writing about when I started.

I barely know now!

On which topic am I feigning outrage this week? Ungrateful millennials? Gender neutral pronouns? Justin Trudeau’s hair? Hmm, nope…

Oh right! It’s the War on Cars.

Time to quickly say something ridiculous and inflammatory followed by a nonsensical pun.

At this rate, by 2020, all car-drivers will be locked-up for daring to question the bicycultist’s precious safe-spaces.

Bike lanes? More like, “bike lames.”

And that, my friends, is how it’s done.