Here’s Why The Toronto Blue Jays Are Everything
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Here’s Why The Toronto Blue Jays Are Everything

Time, space, physics, hockey—the Jays can conquer it all.

Relief Line is your not-so-serious glance at the city we love.

The Blue Jays are good. Damn good. No, not just good, they’re great. Unstoppable. Unbeatable. Unbreakable.

There’s absolutely no way they lose in the ALCS. After that, it’ll be a walkover of whoever they face in the World Series. I don’t think it’ll stop there either. I hope Cubs fans don’t mind waiting another 110 years for the World Series, because I think that’s a conservative estimate of how long this current Blue Jays dynasty will last.

Given advances in modern medicine and the peak physical conditioning of these guys, it’s safe to say we can keep this core lineup together well into the 22nd century.

What I am trying to say is I can’t see anyone beating this team anytime soon.

I’m not just talking about baseball either.

Obviously, they’re the best baseball team. That’s a given. I know some people just hopped on the bandwagon recently and do not fully appreciate what we’re watching here, so I’ll put it simply: this is the best team in sports. All sports. As in they can dominate any sport they choose to play. I’ve actually mapped out how they can win it all. Every single championship.

First, an injured Crosby leaves the Jays a wide-open path to win the Eastern Conference finals and then on to the Stanley Cup. After that, I think they can breeze by an overly arrogant Golden State for the NBA Championships.

Tom Brady and the Patriots are looking vulnerable too, so I think the Super Bowl is practically assured at this point. Obviously the next World Cup of soccer is a long shot, but a couple of years should be enough time for FIFA to recognize the Toronto Blue Jays as a nation state. Then it’s just a matter of mastering the Beautiful Game, which shouldn’t be too hard. Remember this team did just sweep the Rangers.

I know it all sounds crazy. How could any team be that good? Well, I feel like they’re that good because they’re made up of such exceptional individuals. Once the off-season starts, we can really start to watch them excel at individual sports. All the individual sports. The Jays are going to win those too.

Obviously Donaldson will be a lock to win NASCAR, Encarnacion can easily dominate the World’s Strongest Man competition, and I don’t see why Dickey’s age should be any impediment to him winning the WWE Intercontinental belt. Heck, I don’t doubt for a second that if Stroman puts his mind to it, he could undoubtedly be one of the greatest Jai alai players ever to throw the pelota.

Long story short, nothing can stop these guys.

I also don’t want to limit the Jays to sports. I would never do that. I think if we gave them the opportunity, they could achieve whatever they wanted. They have the ability to transcend competitive athletics.

They have the discipline and noble grace to stage a flawless performance of Swan Lake, the keen business acumen and analytical intelligence to corner the stock market, and the civil engineering abilities to build a suspension bridge across Niagara Falls. Sure, they’ve never given me any inkling that they are capable of these things, but I feel that they can do it all. Don’t you feel it, too?

Before I get accused of being hyperbolic, I will admit they do have some limits. They can’t do absolutely everything. For example, it would be ridiculous to say Troy Tulowitzki will be the next president of the United States of America. That just doesn’t make sense. The president has to be at least 35, and he’s only 32. No, he’ll have to settle for that vacant Supreme Court justice seat. For now.

I am getting off track though. Let’s get back to talking about the best team in baseball. Not just the best team in baseball today or in the coming future, but of all time.

I don’t mean theoretically either. I mean the Blue Jays are so good that they could rip through the space-time continuum, travel back to 1927, and sweep Babe Ruth’s Yankees in a best of seven inter-dimensional series. On their way back to the present, they could even stop by the ’80s and right one of history’s great wrongs: the 1987 Blue Jays’ pennant loss to the Tigers.

The Jays are so good they are capable of creating alternate timelines.

Of course, once we start discussing time travel and the Blue Jays, it just opens up a world of possibilities that go beyond my limited comprehension. I’ll leave such questions to greater minds than my own. Someone like Sir John Gibbons, the next chair of Wykeham Professorship in Logic at the University of Oxford. (Assuming Oxford accepts my unsolicited application on his behalf.)

In the end though, it really doesn’t matter how many awards and accolades they accumulate in the coming weeks and months, Toronto is still lucky to have this team. They are fun and motivated and know how to win. Most importantly, they are our team. I watched the ‘92-‘93 teams as a kid and I honestly feel this team is even more exciting. Whatever happens next, Toronto should be proud.

I hereby propose that we rename this city “Joey Battsville.” Can I get a second?