Students Should Learn About Sex Ed From Everyone *Except* Teachers
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Students Should Learn About Sex Ed From Everyone *Except* Teachers

That creepy kid Donny has all the answers!

Relief Line is your not-so-serious glance at the city we love.

Ontario Progressive Conservative Party Leader Patrick Brown said last week that if he was premier, he would scrap the controversial sex-ed curriculum. Like many people in the province, I was thrilled. It seemed like somebody was finally going to take a stand against the activist curriculum being forced into our schools. Unfortunately, Brown has since flip-flopped and is now saying he does support it. Well, he may be backing down, but I am not. My mind is made up: sex education should not be taught in schools. It should be left to the parents. And the Internet. And maybe other kids.

That’s it!

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think the classroom is the place for children to be taught about the birds and the bees. No kid should be hearing about “gender expression” and “same-sex relationships” and “oral sex” from some teacher. Kids should learn about that stuff from their parents. Or from the results of a Google image search. Or possibly from their creepy friend Donny, who hangs out behind the portables after school and has access to his dad’s old shoebox of porn. You know, the traditional ways youngsters find out about these things.

Instead, the government will force our little ones to identify “sexual body parts” in the classroom. Geez Louise! Is that really necessary? All I am going to do is recite the poem, “Boys Are Made of String…” to my kid and that will be the end of that. Anything else they need to know about human genitals they can glean from leaked dick pics of disgraced politicians, the film Basic Instinct, and the eggplant emoji. Anatomically correct illustrations and an open dialogue with sex educators is just going to warp their impressionable minds!

My point is schools have no place in nurturing our children’s development beyond teaching them reading, writing, math, music, art, history, science, nutrition, the importance of exercise, basic social skills, and human anatomy. Nothing else! Of course, I am the first to admit that today’s youth need to be properly instructed about sex and sexual health. I am simply saying that the education of my child should be left to a number of disparate and contradictory sources outside of the public school system; including me, my kid’s stupid friends, and

If other people want to let the province indoctrinate their children, that’s fine, but I am not going to sit idly by. In fact, I already have my kid’s sex-ed curriculum all mapped out. It will start with me awkwardly explaining that pre-marital coitus is wrong, continue as they clandestinely explore various subreddits devoted to hunky photos of Tom Hardy, and conclude when they are finally exposed to the Savage Love podcast by their roommates in university. It’s that easy. No need for professional instructors who actively study human sexuality to get involved here!

I am guessing that the idiots over in Queen’s Park are still having trouble with this concept, so I will break it down for them:

My kid will learn about sex from: reality star sex tapes, Game of Thrones, beer commercials, the Instagram hashtag #thirsty, top 40 music, the volleyball scene in Top Gun, Grand Theft Auto, old Eaton’s catalogues, topless photobombs of our prime minister, the “8===>” emoticon, their schoolmates, and ME.

My kid will NOT learn about sex from: THEIR SCHOOL!

Is that sinking in yet!?

To conclude, I would like to remind everyone that it takes a village to raise a child. All I am saying is that village should not include teachers and instead be made up of parents, other children, and thousands of easily accessed hardcore pornography sites that often present unrealistic and damaging portrayals of human sexual relationships. That’s how I was raised and I turned out fine.