Doug Ford Announces New Book, Really Wants To Be Relevant
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Doug Ford Announces New Book, Really Wants To Be Relevant

What does Doug have in common with a Quantum lichen?


In the Futurama episode “The Thief of Baghead,” we meet Langdon Cobb, who is known as the world’s greatest actor. This is despite the fact that he performs with a paper bag over his head—he doesn’t want to be judged for his looks, folks, just his really, really great acting.

But Langdon Cobb has a secret. The reason he wears a paper bag over his head (spoiler) is because he’s actually a Quantum lichen, an alien creature that feeds and grows based on the attention and adulation of others, and drains their life when doing so.

Which brings us to Doug Ford, who today announced that through publisher HarperCollins he will release the book Ford Nation: Two Brothers, One Vision this November.

Doug Ford does not need a book. He has never struggled to get his message out—he and Rob even co-hosted an unfiltered weekly radio show, which received detailed recaps. He will not offer detailed policies, because that’s not really his speed. Nor will he likely say anything new. Doug, after all, has never held back in the past. He promised the book will call out politicians, the establishment, and journalists (although he praised Sun columnist Joe Warmington during the press conference today), but all of this is pretty much a standard Doug stump speech. A book might be a good excuse to promote some kind of political run in 2017, which he hinted at today (Doug is always suggesting some kind of political run, because the threat of him influencing the public discourse gives him undue relevance), but there is little meaningful substance that the former mayoral candidate could write about that has not already been said.

More than anything, what Doug wants and needs isn’t to serve the public or to pursue the truth, but to command attention. Like Cobb (who has the good sense to wear a paper bag), this is his sustenance. The Quantum lichen had the stage, and Doug can summon that little box on CP24.

Eventually Cobb’s life-sucking attention-seeking force bursts when his image is turned on himself. Whenever the former councillor tries to make news let’s learn from Futurama, summon the Bender in all of us, and remember who Doug Ford really is: a narcissistic, clueless, disingenuous loudmouth who does not deserve to hold public office.

Doug Ford’s book will be on bookstore shelves and in libraries he voted against on November 22.

Langdon Cobb in Futurama.

Langdon Cobb in Futurama.