Some special service journalism for local author-to-be Doug Ford.
Relief Line is your not-so-serious glance at the city we love.
Congratulations on your book deal, Doug! I for one think it’s great that someone is finally writing from the perspective of a wealthy, former politician. The media elites in this town never give you guys a platform to speak your truth.
Writing a book is not going to be easy. It takes lots of hard work. Lucky for you, Toronto has an amazing cultural institution that’s helps thousands of writers, every day. It’s the Toronto Public Library! One of the best-run library systems in the world.
Now, I know you’ve had your differences with the ole’ book depository in the past, but I think this is a great opportunity to build a new relationship. You can use the Toronto Public Library’s many services to write your book and in return they can pretend you never tried to completely gut their funding. Everybody is friends again!
In an effort to bridge the gap I’ve compiled a list of some of the services offered by the library that will help a plucky, first-time author like yourself. So let’s begin!
Before setting out to write a book, I strongly recommend you read one or two first. The Toronto Public Library has millions of books on offer, so its stacks are a great place to start. The best part is they are all absolutely free to take out! Accessing this world-class collection of books is the first step on your way to realizing your dream of becoming the next Margaret Atwood.
Every library’s greatest resource is its friendly, knowledgeable reference librarian. These professionals can help answer a range of questions from, “Is it okay to call my brother the ‘White Obama’?” to “Can you be racist against people that eat little, red apples?” The reference librarian will even find a nicer way to answer to both those questions than simply saying, “Are you fucking serious?” Like I said, they’re total pros.
Computer and Internet Access
Once you’re ready to write you can sit down at one of the TPL’s many computer consoles and begin hammering out your masterpiece. Bonus: The free internet access will be helpful when you need to compile a comprehensive list of everyone you’ve threatened to sue for slander or libel.
Toronto Reference Library Writer’s Room
This is a nice, quiet space where your ghost writer can turn your unhinged rants into semi-coherent prose.
A Writers Group
The TPL offers many opportunities for writers to come together, critique each other’s work, and share their passion for storytelling. I can’t imagine a place where you, Doug Ford, would feel more at home. Just remember this is a safe space, so if one of your fellow writers criticizes you for “telling, not showing” they are trying to help, and not waging a full-out jihad against you and your family.
Using the library’s thesaurus can help expand your vocabulary as you find synonyms for “Folks,” “Taxpayers,” and “Car-hating, left-wing pinkos.”
Personal Financial Advice
Being a writer is not as financially lucrative as some of your previous jobs, like City Councillor or the Son of a Multimillionaire Decal Magnate; you may want to take advantage of the personal finance programs to cut some of the gravy from your own life.
A lot people don’t know that some TPL branches offer meditation classes. What’s meditation, you ask? Well it’s kind of like yelling and bullying, except the exact opposite. This may not sound very helpful, but by calming yourself with breathing and mindfulness exercises you will better be in a much better headspace to write 250 pages of rage-fuelled attacks against your numerous enemies.
Asquith Press Book Printing Service
I am not saying your publisher is going to have a moment of clarity, realize they’ve made a terrible mistake, and cancel your book deal. I am just saying you have options if that happens.
Career and Job Search
Once you finish your book you will need another way to support yourself. Thankfully, the library offers lots of opportunities and programs to polish your resume and find new employment. Whether you want to become a barista or unsuccessfully run for leader of the federal Conservatives, the Toronto Public Library is the place to start!
Did you like this article? Do you love Torontoist? Support articles like this by becoming one of the first Torontoist subscribers. Get great perks and fund local journalism that makes a difference—join Raccoon Nation now.