A Preview of What Toronto's Totally Desperate and Predictable 2028 Olympic Bid Could Look Like
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A Preview of What Toronto’s Totally Desperate and Predictable 2028 Olympic Bid Could Look Like

How else can we be certified as a World Class City?

Relief Line is your not-so-serious glance at the city we love.

Last year Mayor John Tory put an end to Toronto’s nascent bid for the 2024 Summer Olympics. It seemed like the dream of being an Olympic city would die there. But in the lead up to the games in Rio, Torontoist has secured a super top-secret application form submitted to the International Olympic Committee by City Council, which would initiate a bid for the 2028 Summer Games. Could it really be happening?

Will Toronto still host an Olympic Games after all?

Official Olympic Host City Application Form

Proposed Host City: Toronto, Canada (As recently seen in Porter’s In-Flight Magazine’s “5 Must-See Cities in Southern Ontario”).

Proposed Olympiad:
1960, 1964, 1976, 1996, 2008, 2024?, 2028 Summer Olympics

Reason(s) for wanting to Host: Insecurity at not being considered a “World Class City.”

Mission Statement: Toronto’s mission is simple: to make the 2028 Summer Olympics the best ever. We are ready, willing and able to do whatever it takes to achieve this goal in 2028 or, more realistically, in 2032. By 2036 Toronto will definitely have everything in place to host a fairly memorable Olympics games, if not exactly the “best ever.” Full disclosure, we probably need until 2040 to do this right. Let’s say 2044-ish to be safe. Whatever happens we can say with confidence that by 2052 we will have laid the groundwork for a successful bid in 2064, ensuring that the 2080 Summer Olympics in Toronto will be considered possibly one of the best ever. Maybe.

Motto: Um, we’re still working on it. Actually that’s not a bad motto, let’s go with that:

“Toronto 2028…um, we’re still working on it.”

Mascot: We don’t have a lot left in our budget for a mascot but BJ Birdy has been out of work for over 15 years so we think we can get him on the cheap.

Sources of Funding: The City of Toronto is working with its partners in the provincial and federal governments, both of which have agreed to match the funding of private stakeholders currently estimated at: “Please stop asking us to pay for this crap.”

Environmental Profile: Toronto’s summer weather is a perfect fit to host the Olympics as it combines the unbearable humidity of Rio de Janeiro with the frequent unexpected downpours of London.

Venues: As a city with a proud sporting tradition we already have a number of sporting venues including the Rogers Centre, the Air Canada Centre, and wherever the Argos currently play football (I want to say…Varsity Stadium?). In addition to this Toronto built some smaller venues to accommodate events for the PanAm and Para PanAm Games in 2015. Oh shit, we totally forgot we hosted those until like right now. How did the PanAm Games even go? All anyone talked about was the stupid carpool rules. Wait, are we going to have to carpool again for the Olympics? Because that’s a deal breaker for us.

Athlete’s Housing: Toronto has a number of housing options available for athletes but, to be honest, in this market there won’t be much available downtown. It’s just that most of these athletes are amateurs so unless they have inherited some money from their parents or are married to a doctor it’s unrealistic for them to think can get anything decent south of York Mills. Frankly, the athletes are better off looking for housing in Hamilton.

Transportation Infrastructure: Pass.

Safety and Security: Toronto is considered one of the safest cities in the world for raccoons and is not bad for humans either.

Amenities and Tourist Attractions: Tourists and visitors to Toronto during the games can enjoy a number of attractions including the Royal Winter Fair, ice-skating beside City Hall or just getting cozy in one of our many shopping centres, restaurants, museums and galleries. Of course that stuff is only in winter; in the summer time most of our cultural offerings are just excuses for getting drunk outside.

Marketing, Communications and Social Media:
Toronto is committed to connecting with a young demographic so we’ll be letting our 75-year-old, former deputy mayor Norm Kelly (@norm) handle the social media and communications plan. He’s also pretty good at memes.

Celebrity Endorsements: Best case: Drake. Worst case: Ben Mulroney.

Legacy: After successfully hosting the Summer Olympics in 2028 we are hoping people besides local politicians will start referring to Toronto as a “World Class City.” Just like everyone has done since Montreal hosted in 1976.

Please Attach a Cheque for $60 Million to Ensure Your Application Is Processed: Never mind. We’re out.


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