Televisualist: Lousy Smarch Madness

By Christopher Bird

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

If these hills could talk, they would say something narcissistic.

Monday

Dancing With The Stars is back, and this time the big Relevant Thing is that one of the competitors is Marla Maples, second former ex-Mrs. Donald Trump. We’re more amused by the opportunity to boo Geraldo Riviera; we will cheer (inasmuch as we watch this show, which we do not, but read that verb as “we’re willing to provide sympathetic thoughts to”) Doug Flutie, Kim Fields, Mischa Barton and Jodie Sweetin. (ABC, 8 p.m.)

The Mother/Daughter Experiment: Celebrity Edition is a reality series that is primarily about former reality stars trying to make themselves famous again, and this time they’ve dragged along their mothers or daughters. This show features Heidi Pratt, and if you don’t remember who she is, we’re torn as to whether or not we should say “Google her” because then you might do that and your life is probably better if you’re allowed to forget her existence. (Slice, 8 p.m.)

“Hey, we want to make House again but more palatable to a mass audience. Like, really dumb it down.” “Well, what if House was a sexy woman instead of Hugh Laurie? And also wasn’t a drug addict?” “Not bad.” “Also she can be a surgeon instead of a genius detective doctor.” “Keep going.” “…but she has her own problems, which is doing it with sexy man-doctors!” “Congratulations!” We give you: Heartbeat. (NBC, 9 p.m.)

Motive, still the stupidest of police procedurals (“what if… the killer had a reason for killing the victim?”) returns for a fourth season because in the end, that is what we all deserve. (CTV, 10 p.m.)

Number of times L.A. Clippers Dance Squad mentioned in the first episode that cheerleaders are almost always terribly underpaid for their work: none. Pretend to be surprised. (E! Canada, 9 p.m.)

It’s March Madness! At this point we’re into the regional semifinals, and most of the shocker upsets of the first round (like #15 Middle Tennessee hammering #2 Michigan, or #14 Stephen F. Austin knocking out #3 West Virginia) have been eliminated, because one thing about March Madness that is good about it is this: to win, you have to be consistently good. Today’s regional semifinal action features a lot of quality, consistently strong basketball teams: Miami v. Villanova, Kansas v. Maryland, Texas A&M v. Oklahoma, that sort of thing. (CBS, all day)

The Catch: a TV show about a con man who cons his way into a relationship with a beautiful rich lady, but then it turns out he’s really in love! How will he keep his scam goijjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj sorry fell asleep on the keyboard (CTV, 10 p.m.)

More March Madness; tonight’s games include the two lowest seeds in the tourney still remaining (#11 Gonzaga and #10 Syracuse) competing against one another, and that sound you just heard was a Disney studio exec tearing up his notes for his proposed heartfelt sports film about this year’s NCAA tournament. (CBS, all day)

There’s more March Madness this weekend, of course—the Elite Eight games— but we don’t yet know who’s going to be in them, although if we were going to bet we would guess that Duke makes it in, because we hate Duke and they always make it in. Stupid Duke. (CBS, 6 p.m. Saturday and Sunday)

If you haven’t checked out CNN’s Race For The white House series, which focuses on presidential races throughout history, it’s kind of fascinating to watch the CNN hosts and interviewers try to shove history through their CNN-politics-as-entertainment lens, and to watch the historical experts try to resist that and drag them back to actual historical fact. Tonight’s new episode is Truman versus Dewey, so expect extra helpings of CNN-itis what with that infamous incorrect newspaper headline. (CNN, 9 p.m. Sunday)