Relief Line: I am Torontaur—Defender of the PATH!
Torontoist has been acquired by Daily Hive Toronto - Your City. Now. Click here to learn more.

Torontoist

12 Comments

culture

Relief Line: I am Torontaur—Defender of the PATH!

RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

reliefline 2

Tremble, mortal citizens of the GTA, and bow before me! For within the labyrinthine tunnels of your underground shopping mall and pedestrian walkway known as the PATH, I lurk. Half-man, half-bull, all-Torontonian: I am Torontaur! Defender of the PATH! Devourer of noble youths! And, yes, occasional giver of directions to people looking for the Body Shop! Do you have the courage to challenge Torontaur to single-combat? Then come prove yourself! RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

Torontaur salutes your bravery for agreeing to engage in a dance of death. Since Torontaur was banished to these depths, many heroic gladiators have fallen before this mighty axe. If you are so eager to meet their fate then all you must do is find the legendary centre of the PATH. Any true warrior with a pure heart will surely know the way. But, if you need more exact details, it’s kind of near Kernels. Hope that helps. Now let us battle! RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

Are you afraid to be torn asunder by my colossal horns? To be strewn broken under my cloven hooves? So it seems because Torontaur does not see you anywhere. Seriously, where are you? Torontaur knows it’s easy to get lost down here but can you give an ETA? Or have you been seized with terror and fled? Ha-ha! Victory is once again mine! RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

Oh, you’re still trying to find Kernels? Torontaur is actually south of there now. Or maybe it’s north? Either way Torontaur is screaming a piercing battle cry. Everyone in the PATH is staring. Torontaur can’t be missed! RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

Okay, it would be helpful for Torontaur to know where you were. Like, right this second. The TD Building!? Well, that’s nowhere near Torontaur! How’d you end up there? Never mind, here’s what you should do: Go back outside and walk up Yonge or Bay for a bit and then re-enter near Queen Station. Of course it’s cold but it’ll be faster! Torontaur demands this sacrifice of a noble warrior! RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

What do you mean you’ll be here as soon as you get the Wi-Fi password for the Second Cup? There’s like five of them down here! And why do you need Wi-Fi anyways? You’re downloading a map of the PATH? Oh, c’mon! There are lots of maps posted around. Plus, you can just ask somebody. It’s Toronto, dude. Torontaur finds most people here are pretty helpful. Anyways, hurry up, because glory awaits! RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

Wait, Torontaur sees you! Ah-ha! Now we will clash steel and find out which one of us will be wreathed in laurels and which one will be forsaken to an eternity in Hades and…oh, nope. Not you. Ugh, that was so awkward. Torontaur just waved at some random guy. Man, this place is crowded. RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

One day our struggle for immortality will be sung of by bards, recounted along with the exploits of Achilles and Odysseus, but at this point Torontaur is thinking a rain cheque is in order. Cool? RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

Wait, how dare you call Torontaur a scaredy-cat! Torontaur has been waiting for a good half-an-hour down here and this artificial light is brutal. How is that Torontaur’s fault? Those directions were spot on. You’re probably just too afraid at the thought of facing Torontaur in single-combat! Although, we can probably both agree the lack of proper signage down here is not helping. RAAAAWWWWWRRRR!

Forget it! Forget it! Torontaur is coming up to street level! Maybe take an Uber up to Dundas Square then we can meet there? Grab lunch in Eaton Centre? Frankly, it’s just easier than Torontaur devouring you in the PATH at this point. This place is a total labyrinth.

Comments