Planning Your Glamorous Oscars Night in Toronto
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Planning Your Glamorous Oscars Night in Toronto

If chip crumbs on your chest while you watch the Oscars on your couch isn't fancy enough, then these events could do the trick.

Glitz…glamour…elegance…class. These are some of the things that you will see on Hollywood’s Biggest Night®, the 88th Academy Awards. These are also things that you and I do not possess. Yes, Tinseltown’s annual celebration of cinema will once again be an opportunity for Hollywood’s best and biggest stars (your Pitts, your Clooneys, your Streeps, et al.) to strut their stuff on the red carpet, and remind you that they are much more beautiful, interesting, and talented than you and I. Many is the time that I have sat alone in my garbage apartment, chip crumbs across my chest, watching the stars walk the red carpet and realizing that I am not worthy to cast my foul gaze upon them, even on TV.

The only possible solace would be to get out of my apartment and watch the Oscarcast with other people. Fortunately, Toronto offers no end of opportunities to watch the Academy Awards with other non-famous nonentities. Here are but a few…

From the Drunk Feminist Films Facebook page.

Drunk Feminist Films and The Royal Present: OSCARS RATED R

Promising “a booze-friendly screening with feminist-fuelled commentary,” Toronto’s irreverent bi-monthly screening series “would rather laugh than cry their way through Hollywood representations of gender, race, class, sexuality and other aspects of identity.” I myself can only cry at what a pitiful excuse for a human I am compared to Academy Award nominees like Leo DiCpario, Michael Fassbender, Saoirse Ronan, etc.

(The Royal Cinema, 608 College Street; 7 p.m., free)

2016 Oscars with HS Doc Club

The Bloor Hot Docs Cinema’s Doc Club members will enjoy the Oscars on the big screen together. I can only be struck by sadness that I would never be allowed in the same club as Oscar nominees like Jennifer Lawrence and Sylvester Stallone.

(Bloor Hot Docs Cinema, 506 Bloor Street West; 6:30 p.m.)

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THE OSCARS – Live at the Carlton!

The Carlton’s event promises a red carpet, champagne, and prizes, plus a chance to win a free year of movies. This would give you the illusion of being as important as Academy Award nominee Ridley Scott, who no doubt is granted free admittance in any movie theatre anywhere by virtue of his greatness. Still, an illusion is what it is.

(Carlton Cinema, 20 Carlton Street; 6 p.m., free with cash or canned donation to the Toronto food bank)

Oscars at the Revue Cinema

Did you know that the upcoming blockbuster xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is currently filming in Toronto? You heard that right—international superstars like Vin Diesel, Donnie Yen, and Tony Jaa are walking amongst us in our city. Frankly, it doesn’t seem right. It’s one thing for these titans to be walking around Hollywood, where they’ll surely be surrounding by folks of their fame and stature. But if I were megastar Vin Diesel, I would frankly be insulted to have to breathe the same air as a guy like me.

Anyway, good news—people in Roncesvalles can watch the Oscars too! Prizes and champagne will highlight the community theatre’s annual Oscar party.

(Revue Cinema, 400 Roncesvalles Avenue; 7 p.m., free)

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Oscars Celebrity Night!

Taking place one day before the Oscars (Feb. 27) at the venerable Wicked Club, this event encourages participants to dress as their favourite celebs for an evening of star-studded eroticism. Again, folks like you and I are not as good as the celebrities we would be impersonating, but this event will at least allow you to drown your sorrows in sexual intercourse.

(Wicked Club, 358 Queen Street East; Feb. 27, 10 p.m.)