Televisualist: We’re Aiding and Abetting

By Christopher Bird

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

“My friend… *cough*… make sure you only access media content locally! *cough*”

Monday

Murder in the First returns for a second season. If this was a lesser TV column we would make a joke about “maybe the murder should be in the second, eh?” and then we would laugh knowingly with you, dear readers, via the miracle medium of the printed word. But we are not that person. Instead, we will point out that Taye Diggs’ Wikipedia entry has what appears to be half of a grainy selfie for his photo, and imply that this is somehow relevant to his performance in this series. (Bravo, 10 p.m.)

FIFA Women’s World Cup today: Sweden (now coached by former U.S. head coach but actually a Swede Pia Sundhage, who led the Americans to two Olympic gold medals and a World Cup runner-up-ship) versus Nigeria (who do not have anything like that for a narrative, just being good at soccer) starts us off today (TSN, 4 p.m.). Then it’s Cameroon and Ecuador in a battle of the “it’s our first Women’s World Cup appearance and we’ve already won our moral victory” teams (TSN2, 7 p.m.). Then you can boo the Americans as they take on the Aussies (TSN, 7:30 p.m.) and finally check up with defending champs Japan as they take on the Swiss (TSN, 10 p.m.).

FIFA Women’s World Cup today: it’s France and England in a New Iteration Of A Traditional Rivalry Match (TSN, 1 p.m.). Then you can watch Colombia and Mexico, and we’re not sure if they have a traditional rivalry worth mentioning or not, even if they are both CONCACAF teams (TSN, 4 p.m.). Spain and Costa Rica definitely don’t have a traditional rivalry and they, too, are both WWC newbs (TSN2, 4 p.m.). Finally, Brazil shows that it supports gender equality by allowing female football stars to be mono-named just like male football stars, as five-time Women’s World Player of the Year Marta leads the Brazilian squad against South Korea (TSN, 7 p.m.).

It’s the 2015 CMT Music Awards, which are one of the approximately 7,000 annual country-music award shows that now air thrice weekly. Sometimes you have to wonder if all the country music award shows are an attempt by that industry to pretend that they are still as popular as, say, hip-hop. (8 p.m.)

FIFA Women’s World Cup today: the German women’s team sets out to lock themselves into the elimination rounds by pounding Norway with traditional German efficiency (TSN, 4 p.m.). China, having already been beaten by A CERTAIN TEAM WE WILL NOT MENTION IN ORDER TO APPEAR UNBIASED, seeks to redeem themselves against the Netherlands (TSN, 6 p.m.). Côte d’Ivoire and Thailand, neither of whom have a win yet, battle to avoid last place (TSN2, 7 p.m.). And finally, TEAM BY GOD CANADA will take New Zealand and STOMP THEM INTO THE GROUND BUT ONLY FIGURATIVELY. (TSN, 9 p.m.)

Speaking of music awards shows, we didn’t even know there was such a thing as the 2015 Hamilton Music Awards, much less that these are the 11th annual such awards or that the show is televised, but there you go! (CHCH, 8 p.m.)

CNN presents The Seventies, because they want TV critics to be happy and have easy fodder for CNN’s relevancy or the timeliness of their news. We’re going to take it in a different direction and suggest that Wolf Blitzer is a really funny name if you’re stoned. Think about it. Wolf. Blitzer. He is a wolf who blitzes. (9 p.m.)

FIFA Women’s World Cup today: Australia and Nigeria, which should be a good match between two strong teams (TSN, 5 p.m.). Switzerland takes on Ecuador, which will probably not be that thing (TSN, 7 p.m.). The United States takes on Sweden, who as we mentioned is led by their former head coach, so cue the dramatic orchestral swell (CTV 8 p.m.). And Japan and Cameroon play to what will be a likely Japanese victory (TSN, 10 p.m.).

FIFA Women’s World Cup this weekend: France and Colombia in another There Is No Convenient And Catchy Narrative For This Match Match (TSN, 1 p.m. Saturday). Then England takes on Mexico (CTV, 4 p.m. Saturday). Brazil and Spain have a match that seems like a potential classic, but because these aren’t the men’s sides it actually means Brazil is heavily favoured (TSN, 4 p.m. Saturday). And finally, South Korea and Costa Rica get to play too. (TSN, 7 p.m. Saturday).

Returning for a third season: the better-than-it-should-be-but-still-not-quite-great-TV Defiance. (Showcase, 9 p.m. Sunday)

In honour of Bell Media president Mary Ann Turcke’s idiotic suggestion that using a VPN to access American Netflix is “stealing,” our online recommendation this week is a comparison piece of two films that are only available on U.S. Netflix: specifically, the 1971 and 2001 versions of Brian’s Song, the movie about how a black football player and a white football player become best friends and then the white guy dies of cancer. Short short review: James Caan and Billy Dee Williams in 1971 are way better than Sean Maher and Mekhi Phifer in 2001, because they are James Caan and Billy Dee Williams and the other guys are not, even if they were more age appropriate at the time than Caan or Williams were for the roles. And we promise you, Mary Ann Turcke: we can recommend non-Canadian Netflix things to watch all summer long if you keep this up.