Televisualist: It’s “Long-Dead Television Shows Return” Week

By Christopher Bird

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

You can tell it’s in set in space because they are all wearing space leather.

Monday

World Cup action today: Germany probably destroys Thailand (TSN, 4 p.m.); Côte d’Ivoire, after losing to Germany 10-0, likely loses to Norway as well (TSN2, 4 p.m.); China and New Zealand could both still guarantee advancing to the elimination rounds with a win (TSN2, 4 p.m.); and TEAM BY GOD CANADA seeks to lock themselves into the elims against THE PERFIDIOUS DUTCH (CTV, 8 p.m.).

The Chicago Blackhawks have not won the Stanley Cup Final at home since 1938 and tonight represents their chance to do so. It’s been a super-tight Cup final thus far, with neither team having won a game by more than one goal. Also, CM Punk challenged Hulk Hogan to a fight because Punk supports the Blackhawks and Hogan supports Tampa Bay, so this final has that going for it too. (CBC, 8 p.m.)

World Cup action today: After Cameroon scored six and Switzerland 10, it’s defending champion Japan’s turn to play How Many Goals Can We Score On Ecuador (TSN, 5 p.m.); Switzerland and Cameroon play for the opportunity to guarantee a slot in the elimination rounds (TSN2, 5 p.m.); USA seeks to confirm its further advance against Nigeria (CTV, 8 p.m.); and Sweden, who have so far fought to draws in every game, need a win to advance against Australia (TSN2, 8 p.m.).

The Golden State Warriors are up 3-2 over the Cleveland Cavaliers in what has been a very good series in the NBA Finals, and tonight is their chance to close it out. Unfortunately, the Cavaliers do still have LeBron James handy, who has two triple doubles so far this series and is averaging approximately 5,000 points per game. So, you know, it’s been close. (TSN, 9 p.m.)

World Cup action today: Mexico and France both have little hope of advancing, but they’re gonna try anyway (TSN, 4 p.m.); England and Colombia both need a win to guarantee an advance, so Colombia wins probably because, come on, it’s England we’re talking about here, and love finding a way to collapse somehow (TSN2, 4 p.m.); Brazil, one of only two teams to have already locked in qualification to the next round, plays Costa Rica, who have…not done that, to say the least (TSN, 7 p.m.); and Spain and South Korea, neither of whom have managed to win a game thus far in this tournament, try to do that probably (TSN2, 7 p.m.).

The Astronaut Wives Club is a TV series about the wives of the original Mercury Seven astronauts, based on the book of the same name, but more realistically based on the hopes of TV executives that they can find a show with the visual appeal of Mad Men and the soapy addictiveness of Desperate Housewives. (ABC, 8 p.m.)

Turner Classic has a bug-themed monster movie marathon tonight: starting with the original The Fly (8 p.m.), then following that with the first Mothra (9:45 p.m.), then the classic giant-ants film Them! (11:45 p.m.), and closing out with The Wasp Woman (1:30 a.m.) and finally, if you can manage to stay up for it, The Swarm (2:45 a.m.).

Inexplicably returning for a third season, because sometimes people really love crap: Mistresses. (CTV, 9 p.m.)

Space has been airing teasers for Killjoys for seemingly months. In fact, we are no longer sure we can remember a time before Killjoys was not being advertised to us. It seems like only yesterday we were babies, learning to walk in front of a television advertising a new show about bounty hunters in space starring Iceman from the X-Men movies. It has always existed to us, forever and more. (9 p.m.)

Celebrity Family Feud returns after about seven years, because…we’re not sure why. Anyway, enjoy watching Anthony Anderson and Toni Braxton’s families battle for charity, we guess? Actually, we wish they’d get a celebrity who’s flat broke to play Celebrity Family Feud and then explain that, no, they’re just keeping the money. “Look, J.J. Walker and his family, we gotta eat! Dyn-o-MITE.” (ABC, 8 p.m. Sunday)

Returning after 13 years is BattleBots, now on a major network that has apparently run out of ideas. (ABC 9 p.m. Sunday)

Party Down is a show that a lot of people missed the first time around when it aired in 2009-10, but which boasts a cast that, five years later, is now terrifyingly deep: Adam Scott, Lizzy Caplan, Ken Marino, Jane Lynch, Megan Mullally, Ryan Hansen, and Martin Starr. It’s incredibly funny and if you haven’t seen it, it’s only 20 half-hour episodes—you can binge it in a day. (shomi)

CORRECTION: JUNE 17, 9:41 AM This article initially indicated that Mistresses was inexplicably returning for a second season. In fact, it is returning for a third season. We regret the error.