culture
Televisualist: Psychic Liemaker
Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
“Look, if we’re going to be stuck here in prison together and I eventually tell you about my secret trove of wealth enabling you to seek revenge upon your enemies, you have to respect my system of pretending that bricks are, in fact, books.”
Monday
Children’s Hospital, the absolutely insane 15-minutes-per-episode comedy-medical series, returns from a two-year hiatus with a “five years later” episode, because this show does not give a damn. (Comedy Network, 10:30 p.m.)
Because Children’s Hospital is only 15 minutes long, it naturally has to be paired with Newsreaders, another 15-minute-long comedy show. It’s much less ambitious than Hospital is—because “fake news show” isn’t really terribly ambitious, and because the shock comedy here is less subversive—but it’s not bad. Also it’s only 15 minutes long, right? (Comedy Network, 10:45 p.m.)
Tuesday
The Real Housewives of New York City is back for a seventh season. Also back: plagues of frogs. They’re the new pink! (Slice, 10 p.m.)
Wednesday
Okay, we know we mentioned AMC airing Jurassic Park III a while ago, and they’re still doing that, but we’re taking the opportunity that it’s on again tonight to talk about the trailer for that new Jurassic World movie, where it is revealed that the scientists made a new dinosaur that’s even scarier than all the other dinosaurs. Isn’t that kind of stupid? I mean, not just “it’s a stupid thing for them to do in the movie itself,” but more in the sense that which movie executive was sitting around thinking, “Man, people loved this movie about dinosaurs, but what if we made a dinosaur monster that was even scarier than dinosaurs?” Weren’t regular dinosaurs enough? I mean, heck, they just discovered last month that the brontosaurus was actually a separate subspecies of dinosaur after all and not just a mistake, that’s how many different dinosaurs there are! (8 p.m.)
Thursday
Tonight is the 2015 NFL Draft, that magical time of year when armchair quarterbacks can instead become armchair general managers. But here is the real question: during this NFL draft, will Kevin Costner improve the Cleveland Browns, make peace with his dead father and reconcile with his pregnant girlfriend, and do all this while keeping Denis Leary happy? (TSN, 8 p.m.)
The 2002 version of The Count of Monte Cristo, featuring Jim Caviezel as the Count, Guy Pearce as the baddie, and Richard Harris in one of his final roles, and it is a perfectly decent movie: good actiony bits, lusicous cinematography and direction, and, if you can get past Luis Guzman’s decision to utter every line like he’s doing the accent of the “steenking badges” bandit leader in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, the acting is pretty great overall. And, like most period pieces, it’s aged really well. (AMC, 8 p.m.)
Friday
Beyond the Tank is a spinoff of Shark Tank focusing on inventors who did and didn’t get Shark Tank funding in a sort of “where are they now?” approach. America’s love for Shark Tank apparently knows no bounds. (ABC, 9 p.m.)
Curvy Brides: a reality show about plus-size wedding dressmakers/sellers. It’s actually really charming and fun, and we say “actually” because most wedding shows on TLC are not charming or fun but rather make you want to commit murder. (9:30 p.m.)
Psychic Matchmaker is a show about a professional liar who lies to people about potential mates, whose qualifications she bases on a combination of educated guesses about them plus, of course, lies. (TLC, 10:30 p.m.)
The Weekend
Madam Secretary concludes its first season, and we stopped watching after two episodes because they described the main character as “someone who thinks outside the box” and we hate that cliché, but on the other hand, we find ourselves wondering if she did continue to think outside the box? We may never know. (CBS, 8 p.m.)
Online
American Netflix lost Justice League Unlimited a couple weeks ago, but we still have it, so enjoy one of the best superhero teevee shows ever made while you still can, people. (Netflix)