Televisualist: Judging Your Sock Drawer
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Televisualist: Judging Your Sock Drawer

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Some people just don’t like chairs.

Monday

The WWE Monday Night RAW the night after WrestleMania is generally considered to be the best episode, or at least the most interesting, of any given year in WWE wrestling because that episode sets out the storylines the WWE hopes to push over the next six months. It also usually gets the most raucous crowd of the year, because after WrestleMania and its annual enormous crowd (over 76,000 this year), the RAW arena is both smaller and generally jam-packed with everybody who travelled really far to come see WrestleMania—the hardcore fans who figured that if they were traveling one or two thousand miles to watch live pro wrestling, they might as well watch as much of it as possible. The result is usually highly entertaining, and given that last night’s Mania was generally considered to be a decent show, the fans will be in a good mood. (The Score, 8 p.m.)

Cancer: The Emperor of All Maladies is probably the most cheerful PBS documentary series ever, am I right? But seriously: this series is narrated by Edward “Grandpa Gilmore from Gilmore Girls” Herrmann, who died of brain cancer late last year and who was, in fact, dying from it while recording his voice-overs for this Ken Burns production. Which is both inspirational and also maybe just a bit creepy. (9 p.m.)


Tuesday

The Dovekeepers, brought to you by the producers who made The Bible (miniseries version), is a miniseries adaptation of the Alice Hoffman novel of the same name about the Masada rebellion against the Roman empire. Much like The Bible, it turns out that Jews and Romans in turn-of-the-millenium ancient Israel were mostly really white and also mostly spoke in stilted, awkward dialogue. (Global, 8 p.m.)

Jade Fever: a reality series about jade miners that couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a punny jade-themed title. (Discovery, 8 p.m.)

Weird Loners has a great title and a decent cast (Zachary Knighton from Happy Endings, Becki Newton from How I Met Your Mother), and the writing is fine, but we’re having trouble distinguishing it from the 30 other currently airing single-camera sitcoms about young misanthropes trying to find love. (City, 9:30 p.m.)

We think that Southern Charm (returning for a second season tonight) is not, in fact, charming in any way. This is false advertising and someone should call the Better Business Bureau on them. Yes, on the Southern “socialites” in the show. No, we don’t care if that doesn’t make sense! (Slice, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

Returning for a seventh season of editing out the part where people lose all their possessions because of financial disasters so you can watch the entertaining aftermath: Storage Wars. (A&E, 9 p.m.)


Thursday

8 Minutes is a “reality” show where sex workers, who are filmed without consent (the producers ask permission after the fact), are harassed by a cop-turned-minister to abandon sex work. You can probably find better things to do with your time than watch this. You could sort your sock drawer. I bet your sock drawer is just chaos right now. (A&E, 10 p.m.)


Friday

What movie should you watch on TV this Good Friday, since you have the day off anyway? We are recommending Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, mostly because of all the dodgeball and people getting hit in the nards, which is funny and you know it’s funny. Stephen Root’s performance alone makes this one funny. (FXX Canada, 9 p.m.)


The Weekend

A.D.: The Bible Continues is yet another Biblical-themed series, or possibly miniseries (it was originally billed as a mini, but now it looks like NBC might be hoping it can become open-ended), taking place immediately after the crucifixion of Jesus. This doesn’t look nearly as bad as The Dovekeepers does, and has a better cast (notably Richard Coyle as the Jewish leader Caiaphas, Vincent Regan as Pontius Pilate, and Adam Levy as Peter—plus actual non-white actors!), and the idea of a series about the early days of Christianity is actually a really interesting one. But we’ll be honest: the Mark Burnett/Roma Downey–produced Bible stuff has all been really terrible so far and we’re skeptical that this will end up being a good show, as opposed to a tolerable religious lesson. (CTV, 9 p.m. Sunday)

More interesting is American Odyssey, which is a conspiracy-minded show about an American soldier (Anna Friel from Pushing Daisies) trying to get home after her unit in North Africa is killed by private military contractors when they discover proof of American corporate malfeasance. The show’s press materials compare it to Traffic—and yeah, it’s not on that level. But as decent popcorn entertainment, it does quite all right. (NBC, 10 p.m. Sunday)

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