Televisualist: CYBER!
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Televisualist: CYBER!

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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You can tell it’s about computers because there’s a fat guy with a beard and a plaid shirt.

Monday

The Following, the remarkably stupid serial-killer drama featuring Kevin Bacon as the guy trying to stop the serial killer who inspires other people to be serial killers—and wait, just wait, we have to go on about this for a second. How stupid is this show’s premise? Serial killers don’t need, like, influence to become serial killers. That’s why they’re serial killers. Nobody needs to tell them, “Hey, you know what’s cool? Murdering lots of people. Maybe according to a pattern.” Serial killers are inherently broken people, so the idea that an evil genius serial killer would be able to make other people decide to start murdering people is just dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Anyway, this stupid show has its season premiere tonight. (Fox, 9 p.m.)

If you wanted proof that literally anything can become a competition reality show now, we give you Funniest Wins: a competitive reality show for people who want to make viral videos. You know, the things which are supposed to be an alternative to television in the first place. At this point we’ll have a reality show about people who want to write books! No, no, just kidding. (Much, 10 p.m.)

Gangland Undercover is a six-part miniseries about a federal agent who goes undercover to infiltrate biker gangs, written and created by a federal agent who went undercover to infiltrate biker gangs, based on the life of said federal agent and the memoir written by said agent. So, you know, don’t be surprised when the federal agent character turns out to have a really big penis, that’s all we’re saying. (History, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

Hell’s Kitchen returns for a 14th season, and this time the opening episode features William Shatner as incentive for chefs to do their best! Somehow. We’re not clear on the details of how it works. Are locks of William Shatner’s hair worth a lot on the black market? (City, 8 p.m.)

You Can’t Lick Your Elbow is a show about weird things the human body can and cannot do, which is fine and good, but the press material for the show says it’s hosted by “future National Football League Hall of Fame player Tony Gonzalez,” and man, if we were Tony Gonzalez and had put together a likely Hall of Fame–worthy football career, we wouldn’t want to potentially jinx it for a show about elbow licking. (OLN, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

CSI: Cyber is just—oh man, we don’t even know how to start. CYBER! It’s literally called Cyber! Not Cyber-something, just Cyber! Criminals better be careful with their floppy disks, because CSI: Adjective is on the case! Adjectives are the new cities! (CTV, 10 p.m.)

Strange Love is a dating show about people with odd challenges in finding a soulmate like, for example, in the pilot episode, where a woman has 17-inch fingernails. That’s an odd challenge. Unless, of course, you cut off your 17-inch fingernails. Which, according to the previews, you have also named. (TLC—yes, of course it’s TLC—10 p.m.)


Thursday

American Crime is a new “single story for each season” series, focusing on, well, a crime each season, and playing out the aftermath of it in lots of ways— victims, assailants, the justice system, and so forth. In this inaugural (they hope) season, the crime is a brutal home invasion. Timothy Hutton and Felicity Huffman star as the parents of one of the victims. This is a very serious series, so we won’t mention how their last names nearly rhyme. (CTV, 10 p.m.)


Friday

Wheels That Fail is a show that’s just a compilation of dashcam views of car crashes. No, really, that’s the entire show. We wonder how much longer “YouTube for Your Parents Who Don’t Understand YouTube” can survive as a genre, to be honest. At a certain point, all the people who don’t understand YouTube will be dead. (CMT, 9 p.m.)


The Weekend

Motive returns for a third season of having a gimmick that is just “solve the crime” and we still think it’s cheating. Couldn’t the hero gimmick-solver also be pyrokinetic or something? At least then things would be on fire. (CTV, 8 p.m. Sunday)

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