Televisualist: Big-Time Reality Show Combination Platters
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Televisualist: Big-Time Reality Show Combination Platters

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“Oh my god, they combined a car-repair reality show with a Real Housewives reality show! Their lovely dresses are ruined!”

Monday

Big Brother Canada returns and we are Not Its Target Demographic, so okay then. (Global, 8 p.m.)

The CBC picked up Chasing Shadows, a British miniseries that aired last year about a missing-persons unit tracking a serial killer. It’s got Alex Kingston in it and she’s pretty great, especially when she isn’t in a badly written episode of Doctor Who. (9 p.m.)

It’s the second season of Remedy, the Enrico Colantoni–starring medical drama (okay, he’s not the star, per se; the young, ostensibly handsome guy is the star, but who cares about him) about a family who all work at the same hospital! What are the odds? Anyway, as medical dramas go, we suppose “what if doctors, but in the same family” is better than “what if doctors, but at night,” which, as we have noted previously, is actually a real show. (Global, 9 p.m.)

Back for a fifth season of something so low that calling it schadenfreude gives it too much respect: Teen Mom. (MTV Canada, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

In case you were looking for a combination of the two hottest trends in bad reality shows— which is to say, shows about little people and shows about large families of conservative Christians—TLC (of course) brings you 7 Little Johnstons, which is about a large family of conservative Christian little people. If they take up ice road trucking and then enter a singing competition, we will have the reality show to end all reality shows. (TLC, 10 p.m.)

But wait! Perhaps you want to combine Survivor with a relationship counselling show? Then the result is Surviving Marriage, a show where a struggling couple is stranded on a desert island in the hopes they can make it work. No, really. This exists! (A&E, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Big Time In Hollywood, FL is Ben Stiller’s new dark comedy series about a pair of loser brothers who start taking increasingly desperate and stupid steps to raise money when their parents threaten to kick them out of the house. The pilot has been up on YouTube for a couple of weeks and it’s promising (it has Stephen Tobolowsky and Kathy Baker as the parents, and they’re both great, and it’s committed to its particular brand of lunacy). So check it out, perhaps. (Much, 10:30 p.m.)


Thursday

The 2015 NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Tournament continues into the Sweet Sixteen, and already one #1 seed (Villanova) has been eliminated and another favorite (Iowa State) knocked out in the first round. That excitement, that aura of uncertainty, is what makes March Madness great. Certainly it’s not the basketball, as NCAA basketball is stifling: an overlong shot clock and referees trained to protect defenses rather than award fouls and promote scoring means you really, really have to enjoy the art of basketball defense, as opposed to awesome dunks and three-point shots and everything else about the sport which is exciting. But hey, single-elim tournament! (CBS, all day)


Friday

Eat Pray Love is on Global and…no. Just…no. (8 p.m.)

Bride By Design is a new show about custom wedding gowns, because brides-to-be who need wedding dresses were thinking that little people and conservative Christians and struggling couples were hogging all the attention. (TLC, 9 p.m.)


The Weekend

Call The Midwife returns for season four, and it’s kind of weird because the show was originally supposed to be the flashbacks of the Jenny character (with Vanessa Redgrave providing Old Jenny Narrator Voice) but, as of the end of season three, Jenny was written out of the show because the character decided to work elsewhere, but they’re still doing the Vanessa Redgrave voiceovers. Is Jenny an omniscient goddess of nurses? Or maybe she is a spy? Ooh, we like that one—let’s say she’s a spy. (PBS, 8 p.m. Sunday)

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