Televisualist: Now an Official Holiday Tradition

Torontoist

1 Comment

culture

Televisualist: Now an Official Holiday Tradition

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

?attachment id=338893

Today’s lesson: librarians often wield axes.

Monday

Awful Christmas Movie Alert: The Santa Clause 2, the second instalment of the inexplicably successful franchise starring Tim Allen as the worst Santa Claus ever (that’s a value judgment, not a plot point). (AMC, 8 p.m.)

Ultimate Food Showdown is basically Chopped with the serial numbers filed off: professional cooks, competition for real money, cooking, yadda yadda yadda. We will admit that the generic title impresses us in a dark way. (Food Network, 9:30 p.m.)


Tuesday

The Little Couple is back for a seventh season of people affected with dwarfism being just like you and me. In this episode they get their children baptized and then road-trip to Washington, D.C.—and although this might not be awful-people porn, it’s still kinda boring. But people like it, so what do we know? Critics: ultimately dispensable! (TLC, 9 p.m.)

The Flash has a crossover with Arrow, because superheroes! But seriously, The Flash has been terrific fun so far—it’s good, idealistic TV, and one of the highlights of the new season—so we expect this to continue the trend. (CTV, 8 p.m.)


Wednesday

The latest case of “let’s just take some random words, put them together and make a show out of them” is Alaska Off-Road Warriors, which fulfills the time-honoured [Place] [Adjective] [Noun Related to Battle] reality-show construction formula. In this one, teams race across Alaska in trucks—off the roads, if you will. (History, 9 p.m.)


Thursday

Returning for a second season of not being Top Chef or MasterChef: The Taste, which is definitely sort of like those other shows but with a bigger budget, which is why they can afford Anthony Bourdain and Nigella Lawson all the time rather than as special guest judges. (CHCH, 8 p.m.)

This season premiere of Beyond Scared Straight is officially going to be the best one ever, because this time they’re throwing a couple of teenaged Juggalos in prison! Yes, fans of the horrible Insane Clown Posse are thrown in jail, for apparently no other reason than their being fans of Insane Clown Posse. We can get behind that. (A&E, 10 p.m.)


Friday

Spark has Scrooged, which is easily one of the top five Christmas movies ever and one of the best A Christmas Carol adaptations as well. “Well, I’m sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.” (7:30 p.m.)


The Weekend

Originally, The Librarians was a series of moderately entertaining made-for-TV movies about people guarding the world from magic evils, starring Noah Wyle. Then they stopped making them for a while. Now, the series is back as a regular TV show, with a fresh cast including genre stalwarts like Rebecca Romijn and Christian Kane—and also John Larroquette, and you can never go wrong with John Larroquette. Enjoyable trash that takes itself exactly as seriously as it should, which is not very seriously. (Space, 8 p.m. Sunday)

CBS has the I Love Lucy Christmas Special, which they have colourized and decided must now be an Official Holiday TraditionTM, because media companies realized some time ago that they can create holiday traditions if they want to badly enough and are willing to take a few years’ worth of time to make people get used to the idea of something becoming an annual thing. The special itself is not bad, but wouldn’t even make a top-10 list of I Love Lucy episodes. (8 p.m. Sunday)

W airs A Cookie Cutter Christmas, which is perhaps the most perfect title for the annual slate of terrible rote Hallmark Channel movies we now get blitzed with every year. In this one, white people fall in love and learn the true meaning of Christmas, which is about affluent white people falling in love, just like in every Hallmark Channel Christmas movie! (9 p.m. Sunday)

Comments