Televisualist: It's Almost Christmas on TV
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Televisualist: It’s Almost Christmas on TV

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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David Suzuki, presumably discussing the secret life of pigeons.

Monday

State of Affairs features Katherine Heigl’s failed movie career triumphant return to television as a CIA analyst who makes the tough calls and who has a dysfunctional personal life and also Alfre Woodard is the President of the United States and Katherine Heigl’s former mother-in-law because her son/Heigl’s husband was killed by baddies! Also there is a conspiracy! From the creator of The Blacklist comes another show that makes no sense whatsoever! (Global, 10 p.m.)

Comedy Bang! Bang! returns for a third season, with the season premiere featuring Patton Oswalt, who has never been a featured guest on (the TV version of) the show. Halfway through the show maybe Patton Oswalt “takes a break” from the show like he a took a break from Twitter! We now call that “pulling an Andrew Coyne.” That doesn’t really have anything to do with the show, we just felt like making fun of Andrew Coyne for quitting Twitter like a wimp. (Comedy Network, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

Shipping Wars returns for a seventh season of transporting goods somehow being like a war? We’re not quite sure how it works really. There aren’t any guns or anything. (A&E, 10 p.m.)

Risking It All is a reality show wherein three families all elect to move to the middle of nowhere and build homes there (literally build homes) and farm and hunt and poop in the woods and generally have “a simpler life.” SPOILER: everybody on this show is white, in case you hadn’t guessed. (TLC, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Duck Dynasty returns for its seventh season as the fake hillbillies fly to Scotland because the seventh season is when the Simpsons go to Delaware! (A&E, 9 p.m.)


Thursday

For those of you who enjoy pigeons and fraud—the CBC’s got you covered. This week’s The Nature of Things is about the secret life of the former, and Doc Zone will be airing a documentary about internet fraud. (8 p.m.)


Friday

It’s not even American Thanksgiving yet and the Christmas stuff is already starting: tonight W airs Elf, which is genuinely a fine movie but it’s not time for Christmas stuff yet and we mean you, The Bay putting up your Christmas displays the day after Halloween. (9 p.m.)


The Weekend

But wait, perhaps W is secretly trying to make us all hate Christmas? Because tonight they’re showing Christmas With the Kranks, which is easily one of the worst movies, Christmas or otherwise, of all time. It is so bad that it is not even Fun Bad. It’s just bad. Watching this movie will make good food taste like bland porridge because it will suck all the joy out of the room and possibly adjacent rooms. (8 p.m. Sunday)

Canada’s Smartest Person concludes. In this season finale, after identifying Canada’s smartest person, he or she will be ritually sacrificed before an idol in the shape of Rex Murphy. (8 p.m. Sunday)

Mohawk Girls debuted on APTN last year and because it was on APTN barely anybody knew about it, but it was a fun sitcom about life on a rez and deserved a wider audience. APTN has already picked it up for a second season, but OMNI’s airing it from the beginning starting tonight and it’s worth a watch. (9 p.m. Sunday)


CORRECTION: November 17, 2014, 1:21 PM This post originally stated that The Nature of Things has been cancelled, which is incorrect.

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