Televisualist: The Diet Spritz Up of Hell's Kitchens
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Televisualist: The Diet Spritz Up of Hell’s Kitchens

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Left: not Gordon Ramsay. Right: also not Gordon Ramsay.

Monday

The Scotiabank Giller Prize ceremony is tonight, and Miriam Toews’ All My Puny Sorrows is the current favourite to win the money for being the sort of book that wins at award ceremonies. Anyway, if you absolutely want to be guaranteed an hour of not hearing Jian Ghomeshi’s name mentioned, this will do the trick. (CBC, 9 p.m.)

Godfather of Pittsburgh is about an Italian guy who lives in Pittsburgh and who owns a bunch of strip clubs and who may or may not have mob ties. They really want to stress that last bit. Trust us when we say: they really want you to know he may or may not have mob ties. They aren’t going to declare whether he does either way, of course. But he may. (A&E, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

This week’s 30 for 30 is a feature about Brian Bosworth, football-player-turned-actor-sorta, which is just more proof that, eventually, everyone in the world will be the subject of a documentary about their life. (TSN, 7:30 p.m.)

Storage Wars is back for a seventh season of profiting off the stench of other people’s quiet, desperate failures. (A&E, 9 p.m.)

Dogs of War is a reality show about a veteran who started a non-profit that trains rescued dogs into service dogs to help vets with post-traumatic stress disorder and is therefore the most touching show on television, not least because every show promises to feature numerous dogs. Also, the “war” in this show’s title, unlike so many of A&E’s other reality shows, is actually a reference to actual war, so good work, we guess. (A&E, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Kitchen Inferno is just another boring single-episode chef competition show like Chopped but not as good as Chopped—which is a shame, since there’s a British show of the same name that is quite literally Hell’s Kitchen without Gordon Ramsay. It is the off-brand Hell’s Kitchen, the Asylum-produced knockoff of Hell’s Kitchen, etc. Oddly, this kind of makes us want to watch that other show. Not this one, though. (Food Network, 10 p.m.)


Thursday

As of this writing, the Toronto Raptors are 6–1 and have the sole lead in the NBA’s Eastern Conference, which is the best start in franchise history; accordingly, this makes tonight’s Raptors game against the Chicago Bulls the most important Raptors game of the week because Chicago is the only serious contender they play this week, and many of Toronto’s wins have come against, to be honest, teams that were either hobbled by injuries or not expected to be competitive this season, so they still have room to prove themselves. (TSN2, 8 p.m.)

Moonshiners, the Discovery Channel mockumentary, returns for a fourth season of cynical exploitation of the Discovery brand. Those wacky hillbillies! It’s like they’re fictional! But they aren’t! That’s wacky! (10 p.m.)


Friday

Bravo commences season two of The Fall, the slow-but-devastating police procedural starring Gillian Anderson. (10 p.m.)


The Weekend

W runs a “terrible movies based on books that weren’t even fictional books” mini-marathon on Saturday, first running the execrable He’s Just Not That Into You and then the godawful What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Watch them now or they’ll make a movie out of Who Moved My Cheese?, Everything I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, and The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. (6 p.m.)

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