Televisualist: Just the Ten of Horse
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Televisualist: Just the Ten of Horse

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Pictured above: War Horse and his friend, the black horse who dies before the end of the movie. (We’re not even kidding.)

Monday

BET is showing a mini-marathon of Barbershop and Barbershop 2. Both are pleasant films, even if the second one builds to a climax that never actually happens. But we ask: where is Beauty Shop, the sort-of-third sequel in the Barbershop universe? For shame, BET. For shame. (7 p.m.)


Tuesday

Do you remember two years ago when you, like everybody else, saw The Hunger Games? No? Were you hit on the head at some point? Are you like that Memento guy who can only remember previous fleeting moments via tattoos? How does that even work, really? Anyway, The Hunger Games is on tonight so you should watch it rather than getting a tattoo and setting yourself up to murder somebody. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

Masterchef Juniors returns for a brand new season of Gordon Ramsay desperately trying not to lose his temper on a bunch of precocious children, which makes it the best of all Gordon Ramsay shows. (CTV2, 9 p.m.)

Vanderpump Rules is a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills spinoff that has been successful enough to make it to its third season (debuting tonight), making it the Just the Ten of Us of horrible reality shows. Hey, remember Just the Ten of Us? It was a for-real show and everything! Matthew Perry was on it once! (Slice, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

Dude, You’re Screwed returns for a second season of stranding survival experts in the middle of nowhere and seeing how they do at surviving. Tonight, someone gets plunked down in the middle of the Namib Desert, which, it turns out, is enormous. (Discovery, 9 p.m.)

Snooki and JWOWW commences its fourth season of being a spinoff from a horrible reality show, so it has in fact surpassed Just the Ten of Us. Screw you, Bill Kirchenbauer! (MTV Canada, 10 p.m.)


Thursday

White Collar commences its sixth and final season tonight, and well done, White Collar, for being a fun show that gave plenty of good actors work. Seriously, props. (Bravo!, 10 p.m.)


Friday

See No Evil is a crime documentary series about crimes that were solved thanks to footage from closed-circuit cameras, making it officially the show most in favour of corporate/oligarchical tyranny—even more so than Big Brother, which is pretty amazing really. (Slice, 9 p.m.)

Secret Lives of Stepford Wives is a docudrama (i.e., “filmed re-enactments” combined with real-life interviews) about housewives who get into scandalous situations, many of which involve husband-murder, cheating, or both. (E! Canada, 9 p.m.)


The Weekend

Holiday Baking Championship is the latest in the “incredibly specific cooking competition” genre. This first episode focuses on cookies, which leaves fruitcake for the second episode and then—what the hell else is there? (Food Network, 9 p.m. Sunday)

In case you have never seen War Horse, you can watch it this weekend! Or you could read this handy synopsis instead, because War Horse is a really, really bad movie. (W, 9 p.m. Sunday)

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