Televisualist: Smokeless Brit
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Televisualist: Smokeless Brit

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“Oh my god, you made John Constantine able to HAVE HIS HANDS BE ON FIRE and he doesn’t use them to light ONE lousy cigarette?” — nerds, probably

Monday

The Millers adds Sean Hayes to its cast, because a show that was already mostly wasting the talents of Will Arnett, Margo Martindale, Jayma Mays, Beau Bridges, and JB Smoove really needed to mostly waste the talents of a sixth talented actor. At least they’re all getting paid! (CBS, 8:30 p.m.)


Tuesday

The 2014 MLB World Series begins tonight, between the (ugh) San Francisco Giants and (ugh) Kansas City Royals, in a contest that will probably be the smuggest in all of baseball history. No matter which team’s fans take victory as proof that they are the Best Fans in Baseball, we all lose. (Sportsnet, 7:30 p.m.)


Wednesday

Doctor Who: Earth Conquest is not actually a Doctor Who special episode, but instead a sorta-documentary about Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman doing a promotional tour around the world and meeting with fans. About as exciting as every other “fans are special!” documentary ever made, but at least it’s only an hour long. (Space, 10 p.m.)


Thursday

Tonight on 30 for 30: “When the Garden Was Eden,” an examination of the 1970s New York Knicks, or as Knicks fans might call it, “the last time the Knicks were relevant in basketball for something other than being a team that will overpay middling players in the hopes that New York City will turn them into stars.” (We give Carmelo Anthony another year before he runs for the hills.) (TSN, 7:30 p.m.)


Friday

Fun times: watch Scary Movie now and count how many of the references are painfully dated! (Answer: lots of them.) (Spark, 9 p.m.)

Grimm begins its fourth season after some critics (yours truly included) totally wrote it off less than halfway through the first. It’s still, at best, a Supernatural knockoff with less style, but it has its own sort of offbeat charm now. (NBC, 9 p.m.)

Constantine is a not-really-a-superhero series about John Constantine, the famously drunk/asshole sorcerer/detective from the Hellblazer comics. Matt Ryan is remarkably good as Constantine, capturing both the devil-may-care and self-loathing aspects of the character, and the show is suitably creepy and horrific. It’s not quite spot-on yet—the first episode drags in places and sometimes the gore is superfluous—but it’s promising, and it’s much better than the Keanu Reeves Constantine movie. Even though this Constantine doesn’t smoke, which is like Sherlock Holmes not wearing a trench coat. (Global, 10 p.m.)


The Weekend

ParaNorman didn’t make Big Animated Hit Movie bank at the box office, but it’s still a pretty good movie: exactly scary enough for a young kid that it’s entertaining without being traumatizing, and for older viewers it’s just a fun Halloweeny sort of romp. (YTV, 6 p.m. Sunday)

My Five Wives: the show that takes the “fun” out of “fundamentalist polygamist family”! But seriously, they aren’t fundamentalist Mormons—and they will mention this numerous times every episode—they just happen to live in Utah and practice a polygamist lifestyle. As one does. (TLC, 10 p.m. Sunday)

Tornado Hunters: a reality show about storm chasers. Every episode features a different tornado! Guaranteed to be 10 times more exciting than Ice Road Truckers or they’ll suck somebody up into a twister for sweeps week. (CMT, 10 p.m. Sunday)

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