Televisualist: Broadpoint? Gracechurch? Churchpoint?
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Televisualist: Broadpoint? Gracechurch? Churchpoint?

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“Hey, it’s Doctor Who and Skyler White!” “Don’t be that guy.”

Monday

OH GOD THE CBC WILL DROWN US IN ROYAL BABY FOREVER BECAUSE Prince George at One MEANS THAT THEY CAN GIVE YOU Prince George at One and a Half OR Prince George Goes for Walkies OR ANYTHING ROYAL BABY FOREVER OH GOD THIS IS WHAT THE APOCALYPSE LOOKS LIKE. (8 p.m.)

NCIS: Los Angeles returns for its sixth season, which is five more seasons than a show starring Chris O’Donnell could possibly have been expected to last. This week, the NCIS guys are trapped underwater, which should allow LL Cool J to bust out all sorts of Deep Blue Sea references. (Global, 8 p.m.)

CBC has picked up The Honourable Woman, the eight-part British spy thriller miniseries starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Andrew Buchan and Stephen Rea that earned massive critical acclaim over the summer. (9 p.m.)


Tuesday

Selfie is basically just My Fair Lady where Eliza Doolittle does social media rather than be common folk, but it has Karen Gillan and John Cho and we will forgive a lot for Karen Gillan and John Cho. (ABC, 8 p.m.)

Manhattan Love Story wants to be How I Met Your Mother so badly you can almost taste it. It is not even close to reaching How I Met Your Mother-levels, mostly because the two principal characters are awful poison people who deserve to die in a fire. See, if you want the lead characters of your romcom series to die in a fire, ABC, you probably did something wrong. (8:30 p.m.)

The only reason Ladies of London isn’t just called Real Housewives of London is because of trademark infringement. Take that as you will. By which we mean “badly.” (Slice, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Halfway through Reign‘s first season they must have hired a dialect coach because that was about when the show stopped being terrible and started being a reasonably decent medieval costume drama. Still a CW-teen-drama take on a costume drama, to be sure, but it’s not stupid; in fact it’s a reliable little piece of weekly popcorn. This has been your update for shows you probably don’t watch. (M3, 8 p.m.)

Stalker is making a strong bid for “worst new show of the season” as critic after critic lines up to savage the series created by Kevin Williamson (Scream—uh-oh) about sexual predators (double uh-oh) going after mostly young women who are often in states of relative undress (triple uh-oh). Yes, it’s the long-awaited crime procedural that sensationalizes and sexualizes sexual predation and obsession! Dylan “How Does He Still Get Work?” McDermott and Maggie Q (who is better than this) star in what is sure to be remembered as “the exact opposite of Law And Order: SVU.” (Global, 10 p.m.)


Thursday

Gracepoint is just Broadchurch except set in America and with mostly new actors. We say mostly because David Tennant reprises his role from Broadchurch except he speaks with an American accent this time. We have no idea why this show even exists, considering it appears to be a literal remake of Broadchurch in every respect that could possibly matter. Maybe this time they will choose somebody different to be the murderer, someone more predictable. We could see them doing that. (Global, 9 p.m.)

Speaking of TV shows that want to be How I Met Your Mother, how about From A to Z, which wants to be that show so badly they actually went and cast The Mother from How I Met Your Mother (Cristin Milioti) as their romantic female lead? Pity they didn’t get the rest of the cast while they were at it. (NBC, 9:30 p.m.)


Friday

Last Man Standing, the Tim Allen sitcom about complaining about being an irrelevant old man, is back for a fourth season of urging young people to get off lawns. (CHCH, 8 p.m.)


The Weekend

Everybody who likes comedy wants Mulaney to succeed, because John Mulaney does really, really great standup. We do not know if Mulaney will succeed, mostly because it riffs off Seinfeld very, very strongly to the point where sometimes it feels like the comedy version of a cover album. But we want it to be good! (Fox, 9:30 p.m.)

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