Televisualist: The Last Days of Soccer
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Televisualist: The Last Days of Soccer

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“But this is a Steven Spielberg production! You can’t hurt me! You can only use walkie-talkies!”


Secrets and Lies is a Australian murder mystery series about a dead kid, because dead children are the new little old ladies solving crimes in ornate mansions—every murder series has to have at least one. (CBC, 9 p.m.)


Today in World Cup action: Brazil versus Germany. Really, do we have to say anything else? The top two all-time soccer powers clash in the first semifinal match. Brazil and Germany. Samba and sauerkraut. Lula and Hitler. Pick an infographic—there are lots of options. (CBC, 3:45 p.m.)

Returning for a second season: The Amazing Race Canada, which this season may take the unprecedented step of actually leaving Canada. Which should not be unprecedented, considering that the entire point of The Amazing Race is travelling around the world, but the first (bad) season was Canada-only, which was silly considering the show’s logo—cribbed from the American show—literally features a globe. Anyway, this year, contestants were required to have Canadian passports and to be able to travel anywhere in the world, so here’s hoping. (CTV, 9 p.m.)

Finding Carter is a new show about a girl who finds out that her mother is actually a woman who kidnapped her from her real birth parents (played ably by Cynthia Watros and Alexis Denisof) and her struggle in getting used to a new family that is, in fact, her old family. Four-word review: good premise, meh execution. (MTV Canada, 10 p.m.)


Today in World Cup action: Argentina versus the Netherlands, in the match where, no matter how it ends, the winner will be the underdog going up against Brazil or Germany. Reason to root for Argentina: Lionel Messi, the best player in the world, plays for them and has never won a World Cup. Reason to root against Argentina: probably still some old Nazis hiding there somewhere. Reason to root for the Netherlands: they’ve been to the finals three times and never won it all. Reason to root against the Netherlands: godawful orange uniforms. (CBC, 3:45 p.m.)

CBS’ big sci-fi summer offering is Extant, which features Halle Berry as an astronaut who returns to Earth after a year-long solo mission—but she’s pregnant (bum bum BUM!), presumably by a strange force from space (bum bum BUM!), and now she and her husband and their robot son (bum bum—wait, what?) must learn to deal with the problem and the conspiracies that inevitably ensue (sad trombone noise). (Global, 9 p.m.)


Welcome to Sweden features Greg “Brother of Amy” Poehler as an accountant who moves to Sweden to marry his girlfriend, who is Swedish. Culture clash jokes ensue. God knows how much this show will have in the way of legs—how many Ikea jokes are there, really—but the pilot is pretty funny and the actors are good, and that’s a good start for any show. (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)

If you missed Working the Engels when it previously aired on Canadian television, good news: now it’s on American television! Again! Hooray! We guess. (NBC, 9:30 p.m.)

Leah Remini: It’s All Relative features the former King of Queens star and ex-Scientologist and her family. Spoiler: the family is wacky. Reality-show wacky. Or, if you prefer, payday wacky. (TLC, 10 p.m.)


Batman: The Dark Knight Returns is a terrible adaptation of the brilliant-and-yet-still-overrated comic by Frank Miller featuring Batman coming out of retirement to fight Superman, because America. Special bonus: Peter Weller stars as the single least Batman-sounding Batman of all time. (Teletoon, 9 p.m.)

The Weekend

This weekend in World Cup action: First, there’s the third-place game between the losers of the semifinal games, which is important, we guess. (CBC, 3:45 p.m. Saturday). And then there’s the main event, the World Cup final, which will almost certainly be the most widely watched television broadcast ever (screw you, Oscars! Nice try, Super Bowl!). Everybody else in the world is going to watch it, so you might as well too, right? Unless you are planning a clever jewel heist. This would be a great time to do that. Not that we’re planning any jewel heists. (CBC, 3:45 p.m. Sunday)

We are not going to pretend that we have even the slightest idea of what the Calgary Stampede Championship entails. Probably it is a top-flight rodeo of some kind? Regardless, CBC is airing it this weekend, so why not watch it? We can’t be insular citizens of the Centre of the Universe all the time, and if it’s rodeo stuff, it should at least be pretty exciting. (8 p.m. Sunday)

The Hunt with Jon Walsh is basically the thematic sequel to America’s Most Wanted, complete with John Walsh being serious about ongoing criminal investigations. Wanted went 25 years on Fox and then Lifetime; we are betting this new CNN show doesn’t last as long. Heck, we’d put money on CNN not lasting that long, come to think of it. (9 p.m. Sunday)