Televisualist: Featuring That Young Up-and-Comer, Pitbull
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Televisualist: Featuring That Young Up-and-Comer, Pitbull

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Rerun of the week: Gilmore Girls, “Tippecanoe and Taylor, Too,” wherein Jackson runs against Taylor for town selectman. Meanwhile, Rory and Dean try to work out their dating problems. “Look at us. The college student and the divorcee.” “We’d make a good adult film.” (M3, 5 p.m.)

MasterChef Canada comes down to its two final contestants: Eric Chong (the chemical engineer who specializes in South Asian cuisine) and Marida Mohammed (the personal trainer who reliably uses Caribbean spices). Although it’s been a better “Canadian version of American show” than most, we’re always going to remember that this was the Canadian cooking competition show in which nobody could make a decent Nanaimo bar. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

Yeah, you remember how we told you we were willing to give Friends With Better Lives a chance because it had James Van Der Beek in it, and we’ve liked his self-deprecating turns over the past few years? We’re past that now, and based on this show—one of the most aggressively terrible sitcoms of the last decade—we’re ready for Van Der Beek to sink back into obscurity again. (City, 8 p.m.)


Jumping the Broom is a BET original movie—your standard “couple from different class backgrounds finds out their parents don’t like each other, dramedy ensues” deal, and normally we wouldn’t bother, except this time, the rich black family’s mother is played by Angela Bassett, and the working-class black family’s mother is played by Loretta Divine, and that is some ACTING that they’ve got lined up there. (8 p.m.)

So it’s time for a new season of The Real Housewives of Orange County, and we are simply going to hold an open casting call for new Real Housewives jokes that people who do not watch Real Housewives will understand. Contestants should be aware that anything that involves “unreal” or pointing out that these housewives are not housewives in any traditionally understandable sense of the word has already been done to death. (Slice, 10 p.m.)

At this point, we think Deadliest Catch (new season premiering tonight) just exists to be the NASCAR of reality shows. We think people just watch this hoping to see somebody drown, frankly. (Discovery, 10 p.m.)


We’re not going to pretend that The Last Samurai‘s “white man goes to Japan, becomes the best at being a samurai” plot line isn’t racially problematic, because it is (to say the least). But we’re also going to admit that Ed Zwick’s direction is gorgeous, that the battle scenes are remarkable, that Ken Watanabe is a Hollywood movie star because of this film, and that Tom Cruise—for all we like to make fun of Tom Cruise and his crazy, crazy life—as usual delivers the acting goods in this movie. (AMC, 8:30 p.m.)


The iHeartRadio Music Awards are a brand new music awards show (in case there weren’t enough of those) dedicated to celebrating the extremely popular music artists who are popular on social media! Which is to say, the famous ones you already know. Also, fans got to vote on the awards via Twitter—so yeah, this is just a new-wave People’s Choice Awards. But there will be performances by Drake, Pitbull, Shakira, Arcade Fire, and Kendrick Lamar, among others! That makes it far less of a sham, right? Right! (NBC, 8 p.m.)


What we find interesting about Shark Tank at this point isn’t the show itself—because it’s still the least-interesting variant of Dragon’s Den, to the point that they have Kevin “Awful Human Being” O’Leary on loan from Canada—but the fact that already successful businesses have now realized that simply appearing on the show gives them the opportunity to get what is essentially a free infomercial with an audience much, much huger than any infomercial would ever manage, and that they can cynically use Shark Tank to juice their own sales. Which is amazing, but we’re not sure if that’s actually a reason to watch Shark Tank, per se. (CTV2, 9 p.m.)

The Weekend

“Look, we all go way back, and, uh, I owe you from the thing with the guy in the place, and I’ll never forget it.” “Off the top of my head, I’d say you’re looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros, and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever.” “A pinch creates a similar electromagnetic pulse, but without the fuss of mass destruction and death. So instead of Hiroshima, you’d be getting the seventeenth century.” “All right, you proved your point. You broke into my vault. Congratulations, you’re a dead man.” “We’re stealing two things. And when push comes to shove, and you can’t have both, which are you gonna choose? And remember—Tess does not split eleven ways!” Ocean’s Eleven. Awww, yeah. (Bravo!, 9 p.m. Sunday)