Televisualist: We Haven't Stopped Hating You, The Olympics
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Televisualist: We Haven’t Stopped Hating You, The Olympics

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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The Olympic Village at Sochi, which is officially the most heterosexual village of all time.


Now that the Super Bowl is over and the Denver Broncos have been splattered like an over-ripe casaba melon, we all can look forward to the next sports event that will dominate the media, and the CBC is right in the foreground with its Road to the Olympics special, which will talk about the personal histories of Canadian Olympians, and will not be boring in any way whatsoever. (8 p.m.)

NBC has Sports Illustrated Swimsuit: 50 Years of Beautiful, celebrating half a century of teenagers masturbating to the only quasi-pornography available to them. Also featuring, for some reason, musical performances by John Legend, Lady Antebellum, Enrique Iglesias and The Fray. We have no idea why. (9 p.m.)

Taking Back The Years is what Vision TV has decided to air after The Zoomer, and if you thought the baby-boomer desperation was strong in a show calling itself “The Zoomer” with no sense of irony whatsoever, just imagine watching the show right after it, which is about anti-aging therapy. Tonight: Is science or homeopathy more effective in staving off death? BOOMERS NEED TO KNOW! (10 p.m.)


More Winter Olympics previews! This time it’s NBC’s First Look at the Sochi Olympics, and we’re going to go out on a limb and suggest that the over/under on the number of times the announcers mention “gay rights in Russia” will be approximately zero. (8 p.m.)


More Olympic circle-jerking on NBC: How to Raise An Olympian is probably going to end up being an hour-long version of this commercial, so we just saved you an hour. (8 p.m.)

Now that even Discovery is doing scripted “event” television, it falls to PBS to air shows like Super Skyscrapers, which is about giant buildings and why they’re awesome. Thank you, public television! We will buy your tote bag! (10 p.m.)


We’re not quite sure how this works, but apparently there is going to be some Olympics before the actual opening ceremony, which seems like cheating somehow, but today you can watch snowboarding, freestyle skiing, pairs figure skating, and women’s moguls. (CBC starting at 6 p.m.; awful American replays on NBC start at 8 p.m.)

Not sure if this is some incredibly rapid reaction time from AMC or if this is just a quirk of fate, but tonight you can watch Mission: Impossible III, which is the one that stars the recently deceased Philip Seymour Hoffman as the baddie (SPOILER: he’s very good as the baddie) and is also arguably the best in the entire franchise, so that’s a bonus. (8 p.m.)


Today you can watch the Opening Ceremony of the Sochi Winter Olympics, because why not, it’s all going to be fucking Olympics for the next two weeks on TV, and Televisualist makes no bones about utterly loathing the fucking Olympics, the most horribly parasitic and corrupt degradation of modern sport in the entire world (and that’s counting the NFL and its “whoops what concussions” policies). (CBC, 10 a.m., replay at 7 p.m., NBC replay at 7:30 p.m.)

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Tales From The Public Domain,” one of the vignette episodes, featuring Simpsonesque retellings of The Odyssey, the story of Joan of Arc, and Hamlet. “I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed.” (Comedy Network, 8 p.m.)

The Weekend

More Winter Olympics: Saturday brings us snowboarding, cross-country skiing, women’s skiathlon (apparently any sport + skis will eventually become a Winter Olympic sport), men’s speedskating, women’s hockey (USA vs. Finland and Canada vs. the Swiss), ice dancing, biathlon, and ladies’ short program figure skating. Sunday brings us men’s single luge, team figure skating, men’s slopestyle finals, women’s moguls finals, women’s speedskating, men’s ski jumping, men’s skiathlon, and more women’s hockey (Sweden vs. Japan and Russia vs. Germany). Also: no gay people, by rule of law. (CBC, SportsNet, TSN, and NBC)

If you want to watch something more meaningful than the Olympics, ABC has Toy Story 3, and that was pretty good. Maybe slightly less good than the second film, but definitely a satisfying ending to the trilogy. (8 p.m. Sunday)