Televisualist: There Are Muppets, Your Point Is Irrelevant

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Televisualist: There Are Muppets, Your Point Is Irrelevant

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“Well, fellow rednecks, let us abscond to a place where yon police shall not discover us making our illegal alcoholic beverages—do we need to retake that? I can do another take if you want it less classy. Or maybe I could do it in an Italian accent. Nobody would expect that.”

Monday

Hey, did you guys see Delivery Man? No, you probably didn’t, because it had an awful opening weekend. But it’s about Vince Vaughn trying to be a dad to all the kids he fathered through being a sperm donor. Does that sound exciting? Well, now you can watch the real-life version of Delivery Man—namely, Generation Cryo, which is a reality show about a girl who finds out she was fathered through sperm donation, and who sets out to find her cryo-siblings and her biological father. (MTV Canada, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

The Toronto Raptors host the Brooklyn Nets, who are a great sports story because their payroll this year is over a hundred million dollars, the most expensive in the NBA (and with the luxury tax the team incurs by having gone wildly over the salary cap, it’s actually more like $180 million). Even so, the Nets are currently 3-9, tied for last in the Atlantic Division. Guess who’s in first place in the Atlantic Division? The Toronto Raptors! Granted, we still have a losing record because we’re not that good, but at least we aren’t spending nine figures to be third worst in the NBA, so let’s take our victories where we can. And now, having said that, the Raptors will probably lose this game, because we’ve just tempted fate for them. (TSN, 7 p.m.)

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is airing on November 25th, one full month before Christmas, what the hell. Seriously, folks, it’s gonna take an armed mob with pitchforks and flaming torches to stop this. (Global, 8 p.m.)

Dancing With the Stars comes to its finale with some unlikely finalists: Jack Osbourne, Amber Riley from Glee, some dude from High School Musical (okay, that was likely, never mind), and comedian Bill Engvall. We had been rooting for Leah Remini, because she is very pretty and disavowed Scientology. Hey, wait: it all makes sense! The Church of Scientology organized a phone campaign to get Leah Remini voted off Dancing With the Stars! We’re through the looking glass here, people. (CTV, 8 p.m.)


Wednesday

Tonight on The Agenda With Steve Paikin, Steve looks at mayors behaving badly in Brampton, Cornwall, Milton, and London—because the rest of Ontario just never stops biting on Toronto’s style. (TVO, 8 p.m.)

It’s a Saturday Night Live Thanksgiving special, because Americans still think Thanksgiving should be in November, mostly because they need a firm date for the start of the Christmas shopping season. (Global, 9 p.m.)


Thursday

If you’re going to watch anything tonight, you’re going to watch Lady Gaga and the Muppets’ Holiday Spectacular, because there’s nothing about the idea of a Lady Gaga/Muppets special that is not divinely inspired. Lady Gaga is practically a Muppet already. All she needs is some more felt, and she’s there. And if that wasn’t enough for you, internet, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is going to be in this special as well. That’s right, JGL and Lady Gaga and Muppets and they even brought in RuPaul for a performance and this is all actually for real oh my god I’m so happy. (ABC, 9:30 p.m.)

For those of you who miss Orphan Black but need your Tatiana Maslany fix: Did you know she was in the 2008 not-very-good holiday movie An Old Fashioned Thanksgiving? It also stars Jacqueline Bisset! She’s been in things! Sadly, there are no clones or conspiracies in this that we know of. (Bravo, 9 p.m.)

Moonshiners returns for a second season of being the Discovery Channel’s most worrisomely untruthful series. It’s true! Law enforcement professionals have confirmed that nobody in the series is making moonshine during the course of the series. We feel like shouting this from the rooftops sometimes. (10 p.m.)


Friday

Oh, man, there’s a Garth Brooks special where he performs live in Las Vegas tonight? I thought Garth Brooks was dead! But apparently not. We’re still looking into whether Chris Gaines is dead, though. (CBS, 9 p.m.)


The Weekend

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Homer the Heretic,” in which Homer forms his own religion. “Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn’t always do what other people thought was right. And that man’s name was…I forget. But the point is…I forget that, too. Marge, you know who I’m talking about! He used to drive that blue car.” (Global, 2 p.m. Saturday)

You can tell it’s December because it’s now the season of Uplifting News Programs, such as CNN Heroes: An All Star Tribute—which is not about heroes employed by CNN, but is rather a show about heroes, produced by CNN. Anderson Cooper will spend two hours telling us all about this. And then, immediately afterwards, there will be an Anderson Cooper Special Report about three people who died for short periods of time and are very, very sure they saw Heaven while their brains were in the process of shutting down before said brains were restarted. All of this just makes me start humming Christmas carols, it does. (8 p.m. Sunday)

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