Televisualist: Thank God, the New Season, Our Wander Through the Desert of Summer Is Over
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Televisualist: Thank God, the New Season, Our Wander Through the Desert of Summer Is Over

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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This hunted look on Seth Green’s face is how we looked watching Dads.

Monday

This season’s stars on Dancing With the Stars: Elizabeth Berkley, Corbin Bleu from High School Musical, Bill Engvall, Valerie Harper, Keyshawn Johnson, Christina Milian, Bill Nye (wait, really?), Leah Remini, Amber Riley from Glee, and Snooki. These are truly some of the most, um…starry…stars this show has ever had! And we’re not even being sarcastic. Yes, even despite the presence of Snooki. (CTV2, 8 p.m.)

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “The Twisted World of Marge Simpson,” wherein Homer asks Fat Tony to help with Marge’s pretzel business. “Now, Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh, how shall I say…Mafia crime syndicate.” (MuchMusic, 8 p.m.)

Sleepy Hollow premieres, and in case you’re all “but wait, they just made a movie of Sleepy Hollow,” that movie is over a decade old and so, accordingly, are you. (You’re probably older, even.) Anyway, the TV show is set in the modern day, but features an old-timey Ichabod Crane who wakes up in the modern day because of magic—and there’s a Headless Horseman who goes and gets himself some guns so he can go full Headless Rambo, and also there’s a conspiracy, and Ichabod Crane doesn’t understand why there are so many Starbucks around or exactly what a Starbucks is because he is, as we mentioned, old-timey. Worth a look, maybe, because the actors seem fun in the pilot, but hoo boy, it’s not one of those pilots that grabs you and says YOU WILL WATCH ME AND CANCEL DATES WITH FUN PEOPLE TO DO SO. Then again, that may be for the best, because fun people are kind of awesome to go on dates with. We hope you have one handy. (Global, 9 p.m.)

So ABC, unbelievably, renewed Under the Dome for a second season because it has been quite successful as summer series go, despite the obvious problem of its stretching a book (and not a very good book) into a multi-season TV series. How will the show deviate from the novel? In the second season, will they get rid of the dome and then find out they were under a second, even larger dome all along? Perhaps we are the dome, in a metaphorical sort of way? (Global, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

Dads, the new live-action sitcom created by Seth MacFarlane, is universally despised by critics. Well, not us—we haven’t seen it—but we’ve seen lots of other things Seth MacFarlane has made and most of them blew, so we’ll trust the critics, even though it has a pretty solid cast (Giovanni Ribisi, Seth Green, Martin Mull, Peter Riegert). Of course, Fox has decided to stick it to the critics by running a “fuck the critics” ad campaign. “‘Reprehensible?’ Is that even a for-real word?” (City, 8 p.m.)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine is a sitcom about cops, so by Critic Law we are obligated to mention Barney Miller. With that out of the way, we can now say that we like Andy Samberg and Andre Braugher riffing off one another as a wacky/straight-man comic duo, and we will watch Terry Crews in anything. (City, 8:30 p.m.)

New Girl returns, and Damon Wayans Jr. is reportedly returning to the show following the cancellation of Happy Endings. (City, 9 p.m.)

19 Kids and Counting is back, and the show bids adieu to eldest-of-19 Josh and his wife Anna because they’re moving to Washington, D.C. It’s unknown whether or not the show will address the fact that Josh is moving to D.C. to become the executive director of the Family Research Council’s PAC, and also, therefore, to start helping make the world a much worse place (by lobbying for “traditional” families and against gay rights, abortion, contraception, stem-cell research, etc.) through a job that, at 25, there is no way he would have gotten on merit. (TLC, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

This season on Survivor, the theme is “Blood vs. Water”—which is to say, the Survivors are composed of one team of returning contestants (including Rupert Boneham, coming back for his fourth go-around, former Survivor: Australia winner Tina Wesson, and Colton “Worst Person To Ever Play Survivor Ever” Cumbie), and the other team is composed of family members of those returning contestants (so: Rupert’s wife, Tina’s daughter, Colton’s fiancé, etc.). Which, let us be fair, is totally a rip-off of something Big Brother did first, but then again, Survivor is much better than Big Brother, so who cares really. (Global, 8 p.m.)


Thursday

The Million Second Quiz concludes! Have you been watching it every night? Because we sure as hell haven’t been. (City, 8 p.m.)

Back for season three is Key and Peele, and if you aren’t watching the best sketch-comedy show TV currently has going, then what the hell is wrong with you? (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)


Friday

The Neighbors started out really awful last season and then did that rare thing where a show starts out really bad and then becomes really good really fast—so we now endorse it with our rarely-used TELEVISUALIST WAS WRONG TO DISMISS THIS SO QUICKLY stamp. (CTV, 8:30 p.m.)


The Weekend

It’s the 65th annual Primetime Emmy Awards, or as we call them, “the real ones people care about that aren’t about soap operas.” Neil Patrick Harris is hosting, and since NPH should host every awards show ever, this will probably be worth watching. (CTV, 8 p.m. Sunday)

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