Televisualist: Burn It All Down
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Televisualist: Burn It All Down

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“On MUCHMUSIC, you say? Well, that simply won’t do at all, I’m afraid. We’re going to have to take steps.”


Monday

Extreme Collectors is basically Antiques Roadshow except instead of old duffers pulling an heirloom out of the attic and asking what it’s worth, it’s completist nerds presenting their massive collections of things and asking what they’re worth. (Slice, 9 p.m.)

Lost and Sold is Canadian made, and the way you can tell it is Canadian made is that it is like Storage Wars, except instead of bidding on the contents of unpaid storage units, the people hunting for a score on this show are bidding on the contents of lost airline luggage. (Slice, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “You Only Move Twice,” a.k.a. “the one with Hank Scorpio.” Also, we note that the Comedy Network no longer airs Simpsons reruns, which have now moved, inexplicably, to MuchMusic. “We’ve got it great here! And for the first time in my life I’m actually good at my job! My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.” (Much, 8:30 p.m.)

YTV has started rerunning The Middle in syndication, and you could do worse than to start watching it if you haven’t done so already, because it’s a smartly written comedy performed with superb comic timing by a talented ensemble. Hell, this show managed to make Chris Kattan watchable again, and we thought that was impossible. So this is a great place to start learning why the Heck family is endlessly hilarious. (10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Pot Cops is Discovery’s new reality show about, well, narcotics officers who raid pot farms in northern California—but in the last month, the American federal government has indicated a willingness to stop enforcing marijuana laws, so what does that mean for the future of this show? The first season’s already been filmed, of course, but maybe the second season will just be the Pot Cops sitting around, doing crosswords? (9 p.m.)

Tickle is the latest iteration of Moonshiners, which was the Discovery Channel’s previous “docudrama” about backwoods hicks who make moonshine for a living. Tickle looks to be moving the franchise from “docudrama” to “what if the Discovery Channel made Trailer Park Boys” rather rapidly, though. (10 p.m.)

My Big Fat Revenge is a show in which people lose weight so they can passive-aggressively take out their frustrations on people they feel wronged them when they were fat. Quick, guess what channel this show is on! Your first two guesses cannot be “the worst channel on television.” (Slice, 10 p.m.)


Thursday

Fast N’ Loud is back, and you might wonder “wait, was it ever gone?” because the show is already in its third season in less than a year (and the fourth season is scheduled to begin before those twelve months are up). Moral: people really like watching people rebuild cars? We guess? (Discovery, 8 p.m.)

It’s the NFL season opener—specifically, the Baltimore Ravens taking on the Denver Broncos—and it comes just as the NFL has settled a class action lawsuit from over four thousand of its former players, who were suing on the grounds that the NFL was more aware of the long-term dangers of the concussions that those players suffered than it let on. Good timing to settle that, we guess. Now there’s no more problem! Hooray! (TSN, 8:30 p.m.)


Friday

Copper is back for another season of old-timey policing in Gangs of New York-era New York (and if you think it is culturally illiterate to refer to the Five Points/Tammany Hall era of New York City as “the Gangs of New York era” then lighten up, yeesh). The first season was a huge hit (well, on the basic-cable level where Copper operates), even if at times it went a little bit overboard on the dourness. Maybe this season will be less dour? Probably not, though. (Global, 9 p.m.)

The Weekend

So Rachael vs. Guy Kids Cook-Off is a real thing, in which young chefs will compete just as the celebrities do in Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri’s celebrity series. As in the celebrity series, we expect that practically everybody on the show will be a better chef than Guy Fieri. Your dog is probably a better chef than Guy Fieri. At least your dog doesn’t pretend that, after he sticks his nose into your sauce, that sauce is still proper to serve to strangers in a restaurant. (Food Network, 10 p.m. Sunday)

Returning for a fourth season, Boardwalk Empire looks to continue the slow and deliberate escalation of violence that has made the series ever so much more compelling over time. (Remember back in the first season when the show just sort of meandered?) Plus, this season has Jeffrey Wright as the mobster in charge of Harlem, and that’s pretty sweet. (HBO Canada, 10 p.m. Sunday)

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