Televisualist: The Urban Jungle of Vancouver
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Televisualist: The Urban Jungle of Vancouver

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Walt and Skyler went to a lot of trouble to get all this money, but at least they didn’t have to earn it by racing through THE URBAN JUNGLE OF VANCOUVER!

Monday

The Bachelorette concludes and this column has officially surpassed whatever the Hubbert Peak is for jokes about The Bachelor/The Bachelorette. So instead, here’s a picture of some puppies. (CFMT, 8 p.m.)

This is true: a previous episode description of The Amazing Race Canada referred to the teams racing through “the urban jungle of Vancouver.” We repeat: the urban jungle of Vancouver. Just let that sink in. (CTV, 9 p.m.)

Tuesday

Barter Kings begins a third season of predicting the breakdown of currency and all related economic systems, and our inevitable descent into barbarism. By season six, we’ll rediscover fire and the wheel! (A&E, 10 p.m.)

Shark Week! Tonight: I Escaped Jaws (Discovery Channel, 9 p.m.) and Spawn of Jaws, which is probably harder to escape because of evolution, maybe. (10 p.m.)

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Homer and Lisa Cross Words,” wherein Homer betrays Lisa by betting against her in crossword competitions. “You know, for a bartender-bookie, you’re awfully judgmental.” (Fox, 11:30 p.m.)

Wednesday

Shark Week! Tonight: Top 10 Sharkdown, which seems like a sort-of countdown, but with sharks (Discovery Channel, 9 p.m.), and Great White Serial Killer, which is—and we are just going to go out on a limb here—about killer great white sharks. (10 p.m.)

Thursday

The Winner Is… concludes, and the shocking twist is there is no winner! Well, in the moral sense. In the standard “somebody gets some money” sense, then someone will definitely win. And all the “experts” who are paid to appear, they’re definitely winners in a fiscal sense. (Global, 8 p.m.)

Luther‘s third season concludes, and this season has had an awful lack of Ruth Wilson’s Alice, who really clicks with Idris Elba ridiculously well even though she’s playing a serial killer. Maybe because of it. But Luther is still good TV even without Wilson. (BBCTV, 9 p.m.)

Shark Week! Tonight: Alien Sharks, which sounds incredibly implausible even for Shark Week. But we’re buying in! Alien sharks! With death rays and flying saucers and everything! (Discovery Channel, 10 p.m.)

Friday

Shark Week! Tonight: The Great White Gauntlet, which is about people who dive for rare abalone, which of course are only found in the middle of shark feeding grounds. Presumably this special will be entirely set to intense heavy metal. (Discovery Channel, 9 p.m.)

The Weekend

It’s the Teen Choice Awards! On the one hand, we mock the Teen Choice Awards for doing things like nominating G.I. Joe: Retaliation for anything. On the other hand, they actually bother to have categories nominating women in action roles, which oddly turns around all four corners and becomes progressive somehow. (Global, 8 p.m. Sunday)

Breaking Bad begins its final eight episodes, and at this point, the intense debate seems to be around whether Walt will end up dead, in prison, or somehow get away with all of his crimes scot-free. The wonderful thing about Breaking Bad is that all of these eventualities are possible. (AMC, 9 p.m. Sunday)

Speaking of Breaking Bad, as it heads to its end and Mad Men prepares for its final season, AMC is looking for new quality shows so it can continue to market itself as the HBO of basic cable, and while a lot of people may watch shows like The Walking Dead and The Killing, nobody is really going to say those shows are, well, really that good. Enter Low Winter Sun, which is headlined by a pair of heavyweight actors (Mark Strong and Lennie James) and which has a good pedigree (based on a critically acclaimed BBC miniseries) and which has PRESTIGE TELEVISION written all over it in indelible black marker. (10 p.m. Sunday)

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