Televisualist: The Moderately Surprising Race
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Televisualist: The Moderately Surprising Race

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Our advice to you is to pretend these American Amazing Racers are Canadian. It’ll be more interesting that way.

Monday

The Amazing Race Canada looks to disappoint, but of course that was expected the moment CTV announced that this show would tour all around Canada rather than, you know, the whole world (which is the entire point of the show), but it lets CTV save money and say “it’s Cancon!” at the same time—and really, isn’t that the most important thing? Anyway, the cast looks moderately bland (when the former stars of “Body Break” are your big stunt casting, there’s an issue). We’re hard pressed to give a fuck about this, and we say this as diehard Amazing Race fans. (CTV, 9 p.m.)

It’s the 100th episode of The Real Housewives of Orange Country. To celebrate, they’re going to BLOW UP THE MOON. No, just kidding, it’ll be worse than that. (Slice, 9 p.m.)

Cat. 8 stars a remarkably jowly looking Matthew Modine as the ONLY SCIENCE GUY WHO CAN SAVE EARTH. This time, the only science guy who can save Earth is saving us from the sun, which other irresponsible science guys harnessed to blow up asteroids before they (the asteroids, not the scientists) hit us, but the joke was on us because the sun just set those asteroids on fire! The sad part is that we’re being pretty accurate here with respect to the plot. (Space, 9 p.m.)

Tuesday

It’s the 2013 Major League Baseball All-Star Game!, which dictates home-field advantage for the World Series, because that totally makes sense. (Sportsnet, 7:30 p.m.)

Joe Rogan Questions Everything is sort of like Penn & Teller’s Bullshit!, except instead of calling bullshit, Joe Rogan is instead very credulous about stupid things. Also instead of Penn & Teller it’s Joe Rogan, but Penn Jillette is probably more annoying than Rogan even if he is smarter, so that’s basically a wash. (Space, 9 p.m.)

It’s the season premiere of Giuliana and Bill, which continues to exist despite it being obvious that it should not, in fact, exist. Someone get jowly Matthew Modine on this! Only he can solve it with science! (E! Canada, 10 p.m.)

Wednesday

It’s the Ontario championship finals in the Spelling Bee of Canada! We love us some spelling bee action, always have, and we have every confidence that Ontario spellers will be eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious. Or, if you prefer, “good.” (Rogers 10, 7 p.m.)

Alternately, perhaps you’d like to watch this year’s ESPY Awards, A.K.A. “the awards for athletes, in case athletes did not have a sort of system for giving them awards already, like a competition of some kind.” Someone needs to tell those spelling bee kids to come up with a long word to describe that. Possibly in German. (TSN, 9 p.m.)

TLC continues to live up to its mandate of being the official wedding channel of all television by airing Wedding Island, a reality show about the challenges faced by a wedding planner who works on Vieques Island in Puerto Rico. Astonishingly, on this island with a population of approximately 10,000 whose economy is devoted to tourism, she’s the only wedding planner! This gets a show now! (10 p.m.)

Thursday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind,” where Homer has induced amnesia. It’s a recent strong entry for the series (which means it would be a lesser episode in the show’s glory years, but let’s not cry over spilled milk, or mediocre seasons). “Quick, I need to forget the last 24 hours. I tried to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but I ended up doing a Mel Gibson about Mexicans.” (Comedy Network, 8:30 p.m.)

Friday

Remember how last week we talked about Camp, a dramedy about summer camp? Well, now you can also watch Summer Camp, a reality show about summer camp! So many options! (Slice, 9 p.m.)

The Weekend

So we just finished watching the second season premiere of The Newsroom, and it was…pretty good? Granted, we’re not as cynical about Aaron Sorkin as some, but even we had to admit that the show was increasingly problematic in how most of its female characters were reduced to ciphers or nitwits. The second-season premiere made it seem as if Sorkin actually listened to people complaining on the internet, though, and we all know he hates doing that, so maybe someone wrote their complaints in elegant calligraphy in a Moleskine and mailed it to him. (HBO Canada, 10 p.m. Sunday)

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