The Rob Ford Radio Recap: Free Verse
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The Rob Ford Radio Recap: Free Verse

Every Sunday, Mayor Rob Ford and his brother, Doug, host The City, a two-hour talk show on Newstalk 1010. We listen so you don't have to.

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Rob and Doug Ford in the studio. Photo courtesy of Newstalk 1010.

It’s another Rob and Doug Ford radio show! Last week, we learned about someone falling off a fifth-floor balcony in an apartment building where a shooting suspect linked to Rob’s crack scandal used to live. We also found out that Rob was friends with a resident of 15 Windsor Road—a house neighbours allege is a crack den, and where two people were beat up with a steel pipe on May 21. So we’ll probably talk about office expenses or something.

Every Sunday we listen to Rob and Doug’s radio show to make sense of the wild words they give the world. But there’s a certain populist poetry to the Fords’ pandering platitudes, and so this week we present our recap in a medium that captures the fire and ice of The City: free verse.

1:09: $1 billion, folks! The Star lies, but we will not.
We’ve saved the city $1 billion.
Repealed the Vehicle Registration Tax—$200 million
Cut office expenses—$6.4 million
Contracted out garbage—$80 million
Efficiencies—$606 million
Efficiencies, efficiencies, efficiencies, folks.

1:13: The attacks are coming.
It’s $774 million worth of pressure,
the gravy train,
the unions want to kill us.
All because we are so effective.

1:15: It’s the province.
How can Kathleen Wynne be premier, that’s insane.
They waste billions,
They shred documents,
We make them accountable,
That’s us. We are Ford Nation.

1:17: Can you believe Adam Vaughan (Ward 20, Trinity-Spadina).
He says we’re responsible for problems at TCHC.
What a misnomer [sic]. Misnomer [sic], misnomer [sic], misnomer [sic].
We found problems at TCHC.
There were parties, and chocolates, and massages.
What kind of massages? Oh, I don’t know, says the mayor.
If Adam Vaughan wants to debate His Worship anytime, I’m up for it, says Rob.

1:30: Looked at the Dufferin Bridge,
Spoke to the Portuguese Consul General,
Visited community housing.
I had a busy week.
I was here, there, everywhere.
(Except 15 Windsor Rd. We won’t talk about that.)

1:45: Caller Roy says let’s privatize Toronto Hydro.
Rob says
I’ve thought about that
Maybe 10 per cent?
I’ll call you back by the end of the week and give you an answer.
Customer Service.

1:47: Caller Mike is building a deck. Does he need a permit? Who does he call?
You call me, says the mayor. Just call me.
Customer Service.

2:00: If there’s an event you want me to go to, just ask, folks.
(Except if it features Lady Gaga, Teagan and Sara, and really long acronyms.
Those are confusing, and I might be at the cottage.)
Customer Service.

2:15: The worst thing Toronto has for traffic is streetcars.
Antiquated things, get rid of them all.
Maybe not Spadina or King. You know, for sentimental value.
But let’s get rid of them.
Go underground, it’s a no-brainer.
Subways, subways, subways.

2:20: Rob, If Adam Vaughan wants to rappel
from the roof of city hall
I’ll get him started
without rope.

2:22: Ford Fest.
Fordy, Fordy Ford Fest.
With all the long lineups, Tim Hudak speeches, and Gary Crawford (Ward 36, Scarborough Southwest) drum solos you could want.
On July 5, it goes to Scarborough.
We love Scarborough, have we mentioned that?
Please vote for us.

2:25: Can you believe the Woodbine vote?
It’s not even a partisan
It’s about jobs.
It’s the socialists at City Hall.
I blame them.
We’ll try to re-open this issue Tuesday.
I’m sure this talk will have helped.

2:26: The TCHC scandal from two years ago,
we haven’t spoken about it for an hour.
Let’s read the list of what they gave
employees again. Massage parlour parties?
Massage parlour parties! Oh, you said it this time,
Doug, retract that. Retract! Haha, yeah. Okay, I guess.

2:45: Mark on line five wants the Land Transfer Tax cut.
More than 10 per cent, that’s not enough.
Us real estate investors need more love in this city.
Rob says he understands.
He’ll see what he can do.
Customer Service.

3:00: This has been your weekly jam on your favourite radio station.
And now we bid adieu, and say God bless Ford Nation.

We did it, Raccoon Nation, we found the poetry in The City. Sure, the mayor used the phone lines as a high-level 311 service—when he wasn’t blaming everyone else for the city’s problems, that is—but we got through another week.

Three out of five retractions.

EDITORS’ NOTE JUNE 12: Though we weren’t aware of it when we first published this piece, this isn’t the only instance of rendering Rob Ford’s radio show in verse form. You can see another instance of the genre over at The Barnstormer.