Televisualist: Seriously, We Are Not Giving Away Tote Bags
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Televisualist: Seriously, We Are Not Giving Away Tote Bags

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“Well, Inspector Graham, you definitely have a problem this week. Perhaps you need to think LIKE a serial killer. Which of course I have no experience in doing. I’m just saying.”

Monday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Treehouse of Horror XI,” which is the one where the dolphins attack Springfield. “Hmm. Bottlenose bruises…blowhole burns…flipper prints. This looks like the work of rowdy teens! Lou, cancel the prom.” (CFMT, 6 p.m.)

The Winner Is… has such a bad title that we think they chose it just to make mockery harder, and we’ll play their game by instead explaining that this show is basically a mash-up of American Idol and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The idea is that working-class schlubs compete against one another by singing songs, but are then judged by a crowd of 101 “musical experts” who include critics, DJs, and “YouTube personalities.” Can we just say that the whole “YouTube celebrities” thing is a trend that needed to end yesterday? Or well before yesterday? (Also, in the crowd of experts we think we saw Tay “Chocolate Rain” Zonday. Good to see he’s getting work, we guess.) Anyway, these musical experts will judge the two singers and then give them competing scores, but not identify which singer won the challenge, at which point the singers have to decide if they’ll risk it all and wait for the result, or take some walk-away money. And each song, of course, means more money. So be prepared for a whole lot of “oh, um, this is hard, this is such a tough decision” and other such sweet nothings. (Global, 8 p.m.)

It’s the premiere of Renovation Raiders, which is a radio program audiobook television show about flipping homes repairing homes renovating homes that is totally unlike moderately unlike totally like all the others of its type. (HGTV, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

Hey, let’s all play “guess what network is airing My Teen Is Pregnant And So Am I: Slice, TLC, or A&E. Well, there are no celebrities, so Slice immediately drops to a distant third. And there’s no wacky or unusual job that is the focus of the show, so that makes A&E distinctly less likely. That leaves TLC! Congratulations if you guessed correctly! Please go to the Torontoist office to get your free tote bag. NOTE: There are in fact no free tote bags. (10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Play It to the Bone is a great little sports movie about rough-mouthed lovable underdogs (directed by the master of sports movies about rough-mouthed lovable underdogs, Ron Shelton) that completely flopped at the box office despite a good story, smart dialogue, good acting (Woody Harrelson, Antonio Banderas, Lolita Davidovich) and wide distribution during its opening weekend. Sometimes good movies bomb at the box office. That’s how it is. The nice thing is that we live in an era when it’s easy to watch them at home. (AMC, 8 p.m.)


Thursday

Here’s a list of shows that have aired fewer episodes than Intervention, which returns for its 14th season tonight: Seinfeld, Night Court, Will & Grace, Scrubs, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Family Ties, Newhart, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and I Love Lucy. We offer that list in the interest of providing some perspective on how popular this show is. It’s kind of terrifying, really. (A&E, 9 p.m.)

Hannibal got renewed for a second season, because apparently key demographics really like it when Mads Mikkelsen smirks knowingly because he’s a serial killer and nobody knows he’s a serial killer! (City, 10 p.m.)


Friday

Tonight’s episode of 30 For 30, “Broke,” is a great hour-long documentary about how professional athletes make a ton of money and then lose it all because most of them are basically kids who don’t know how to handle money and, worse, trust their friends and families who don’t know how to handle money either. It’s a great piece of documentary filmmaking, much like this entire series mostly is. (TSN, 8 p.m.)


The Weekend

Okay, so there are no Canadian teams playing, but hockey fans must appreciate the fact that we have an Original Six Stanley Cup Playoffs for the first time since 1979, as the Chicago Blackhawks and the Boston Bruins square off in a series that will definitely make hockey fans as obnoxious as all get out because of an endless stream of factoids like the one Televisualist just used. (CBC, 8 p.m. Saturday)

HOW TO PRETEND IT’S 1985: Drink beer from stubby bottles, use the words “radical” and “tubular” without any sense of irony, and watch the Miss USA Pageant, because it’s been that long since it was relevant. (NBC, 9 p.m. Sunday)

Alternately, you can watch the 2013 MuchMusic Video Awards, which somehow became a Massive Thing even as they progressively grew more and more soulless. (MuchMusic, 9 p.m. Sunday)

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