Televisualist: It's Not the Kind of Draft You Dodge
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Televisualist: It’s Not the Kind of Draft You Dodge

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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A well-fit suit, an ill-fit draft-day cap, a much-shorter old white guy, and thou.

Monday

Satisfaction is CTV’s new summer sitcom about struggling young twentysomethings trying to be adults. Other than that, we know tremendously little about this show. Which is not the best sign, really. Nor is the fact that it’s debuting in late June, which is a time for event television, not the beginnings of promising scripted series. (8 p.m.)

Speaking of event television, would you like a TV adaptation of Stephen King’s Under the Dome? Well, the book wasn’t King’s best, to be honest: it was the story of a very heavy-handed collapse into fascism with a villainous town selectman who was so cartoonishly evil as to make the book almost unreadable—and then of course there was the ending, which was pretty much a deus ex machina resolution to the whole thing. But the miniseries does have Brian K. Vaughan overseeing it, and the writer of Y: The Last Man, and the producer of most of the good parts of seasons 4 and 5 of Lost. Maybe it’ll be good? Maybe? (Global, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

We’re into the competition episodes of So You Think You Can Dance now, and it’s a very well-rounded group this year: not one but two animation-style poppers (witness their mindblowing showcase routine from last week), two other hip-hop dancers, four ballroomers, three amazing tappers, and the requisite number of classically trained dancers. Also, Twitch—who is basically everybody’s favourite contestant ever—has been judging this season! Also Mia Michaels is back! Really, it would be embarrassing to love this show this much, except for the fact that the talent level of the competitors is always so ridiculously high. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

Blood and Oil is such a great name for a show that it’s a shame that they wasted it on a docu-reality show about a small oil-drilling family business. (Discovery, 9 p.m.)

Saving Hope returns for its second season, which is surprising given that NBC originally decided to air the final two episodes of the first season online only—which, even a few years ago, would have been the show’s death knell. But now we’re in a brave new world where NBC will air literally anything for multiple seasons in the hopes of getting viewers for a show that isn’t The Voice, so we get a second season, and now the guy who previously was in the coma and talking with dead people is not in a coma anymore—but he still sees dead people! It’s like The Sixth Sense, except it’s a dramedy. (CTV, 10 p.m.)

Catfish: The TV Show—or as we like to call it: Hey! Did You Know People Lie About Themselves On The Internet?—returns for a second season because, well, it’s cheap to make, we guess. (MTV Canada, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Big Brother is back for another season, and this season’s twist is that each week viewers can vote for that week’s “MVP,” who will get special benefits in the various challenges. So it’s essentially a toned-down version of the original Big Brother conceit of the viewers actually voting people off the show (which didn’t work in the American version, because in the American version, rather than vote off the boring people, the viewers instead decided to vote off anybody who was interesting or controversial, which tells you a lot about American reality show fans). Other than that, the show is still the same collection of twentysomethings (and a few thirtysomethings) that it almost always is, and that lack of age diversity is only one reason why this show will never, ever equal Survivor. (Global, 8 p.m.)

This week’s episodes of Nerve Center focus on the broadcasting of the Grey Cup and the running of the Four Seasons Hotel here in Toronto, so maybe that catches your interest? This show was actually already pretty fascinating: the organization of large events and enterprises is inherently watchable, to be honest. Aaron Sorkin probably watches this sort of thing for ideas about how to make workplace situations seem more urgent and hectic. (Discovery, 8 p.m.)

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Three Times,” which is one of those “the Simpsons tell stories” episodes, which are always solid. “Now we have three ways to talk about revenge, although the first two were sort of the same, and even the third would have worked better as a Halloween story.” (Comedy Network, 8:30 p.m.)


Thursday

The 2013 NBA Draft is tonight, and this year’s draft class is one best characterized as “uncertain”: everybody agrees that there are practically no sure-fire, can’t-miss LeBron-level prospects in this draft, but there are lots of tantalizing could-be-NBA-good sorts of players with very high ceilings and very low floors. Several of them are Canadian, including Anthony Bennett (probably going in the top six), Kelly Olynyk (probably top 15), and the Kabongos, cousins Myck and Christian (Myck is likely late first round or early second, Christian is late second if he gets drafted at all). New Raptors GM Masai Ujiri has been very clear that he wants to get back into this year’s draft if possible (since all of our picks this year have been traded away—thanks, Bryan Colangelo!), and we are entirely on board with that, mostly because we think Myck Kabongo has a fantastic basketball name, possibly even better than Charlotte’s Bismack Biyombo. Also Myck is a pretty strong point guard by all accounts, but if we’re being honest, it’s the name. (NBA TV, 7 p.m.)


Friday

Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids returns to TLC because TLC is only kidding itself by not adding a W for “weddings” to its acronym. (9 p.m.)


The Weekend

You can catch the finals of the 2013 FIFA Confederations Cup today. It will be either Uruguay or Brazil against either Spain or Italy (so, most likely it will be Brazil and Spain, and if there are any Italian fans who get upset about that prediction, we suggest you drop to the ground and clutch your ankle and scream like you’re actually hurt—maybe that will help!). The Confederations Cup is usually a good sign of what the World Cup will offer next year, although we doubt Tahiti—which qualified for the Confederations Cup on the basis of winning the Oceania Football Conference’s cup, beating out the likes of New Caledonia, Tonga, and the Cook Islands, and who allowed 24 goals in their three matches against Nigeria, Spain, and Uruguay—will make it into the World Cup. Call it a hunch. (CBC, 5:45 p.m. Sunday)

It’s the 2013 NHL Draft tonight! For Toronto fans, it appears Toronto will draft either left winger Anthony Maltha from the Quebec junior league, or centre Frederik Gauthier, also from the Quebec junior league, or left winger Andre Burakowsky, from Sweden. Or maybe the hockey nerds who make these predictions are all wrong and Toronto will draft a skating weiner dog! We’re rooting for Skating Weiner Dog, and nobody tell us different. (TSN, 7 p.m. Sunday)

CORRECTION: June 24, 2013, 3:55 PM This post originally said that Mick and Christian Kabongo are brothers. In fact, they’re cousins.

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