Televisualist: Worry About Your Frinkin' Prom
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Televisualist: Worry About Your Frinkin’ Prom

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“So, wait, they thought people would seriously believe they PLANNED to interrupt a continuing drama right in the middle? Really?” “Apparently so.” (The “Bomb Girls” girls don’t believe this.)

Monday

Bomb Girls concludes tonight, having been cancelled because of dropping ratings. Apparently Global’s strategy—”delay the show to make room for simulcasts of American shows and then claim to have done that on purpose”—didn’t quite work, on account of that is a terrible, terrible strategy (you don’t see AMC interrupting Mad Men), but then again at least fans got two seasons of the show. (9 p.m.)

The Following also concludes, and, unlike with Bomb Girls, Canadians will get to see a second season of this unbelievably stupid, stupid show, which has caught its share of zeitgeist thanks to some good acting on the part of James Purefoy and Kevin Bacon. It’s otherwise so dumb it makes a Jim Belushi sitcom look like Twelfth Night. (CTV, 9 p.m.)


Tuesday

Panic Button is a reality show where people try to face their worst fears (e.g. snakes) without pressing the Panic Button, and—man, we only got through 22 words before we ran out of things to say about this show! And that’s counting “e.g.” as a word, which is probably cheating. (Space, 10 p.m.)

If a show about panicking buttons is too abstract for you, perhaps you should watch Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, which is pretty self-explanatory in that it is probably about Ke$ha and her crazy beautiful life. (MTV Canada, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

The Breakfast Club airs in primetime, and you know what that means: time to edit out all of the “fucks” in the dialogue! “No, Dad, what about you? / Freak you. / No, Dad, what about you? / Funk you! / NO, DAD, WHAT ABOUT YOU? / FLICK YOU!” (AMC, 8 p.m.)

The Family Tools has a solid lineup of talent (J.K. Simmons, Leah Remini, Edi Gathegi) backing up another sitcom starring Kyle “Worst Week” Bornheimer as another guy with insanely bad luck trying to fix a relationship with a male authority figure. Maybe this time it will not be awful! (CTV2, 8:30 p.m.)


Thursday

It’s the season finale of Big Brother Canada! We have no idea what happened, so instead we’re just going to make it up. See, first Daequan created an alliance within the house of himself, Timothy, and Alicia, but then Alicia backstabbed the alliance to team up with the twins, Herschel and Roberta—but then the man known only as Savage went on a killer competition streak! In the end, someone was stabbed to death. (Slice, 9 p.m.)

Weed Country is interesting because it’s a docu-reality show about marijuana growers and the police who try to catch them, which means it’s a show that explicitly uses law enforcement’s generally tepid response to marijuana in order to be able to exist on an ongoing basis. (Discovery Channel, 10 p.m.)


Friday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Dangerous Curves,” which is a flashback episode from late in the series’ run focusing on the early years of Homer and Marge’s marriage. “How many times must I say I’m sorry?” “You haven’t said you’re sorry.” “I know. I was hoping the number would be zero.” (Comedy Network, 8:30 p.m.)


The Weekend

So, Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown is pretty much exactly what you expect out of every Anthony Bourdain travel show: some snark from Bourdain, some interesting local activities, and so on. Not so much with the cuisine this time around, but still, it’s an interesting travel show. That doesn’t explain why it’s on CNN, although we expect that CNN is trying to remake itself into a lifestyle channel. Can Wolf Blitzer give us all helpful cooking tips better than he can report the news? Answer: yeah, probably. (9 p.m. Sunday)

The Amazing Race concludes after a really solid season, with the unofficial Team Canada (Bates and Anthony) having established a solid leading presence (and the thoroughly annoying Max and Katie having run a very solid race as well, even winning the most recent leg). Thankfully, Megan and Joey, the grating team of “Youtube celebrities” (still a phrase we think oxymoronic) got eliminated most recently, so the finale will not feature them, making it instantly 1,000 per cent better. (CTV, 8 p.m. Sunday)

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