Televisualist: Borgin', Borgin' Along
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Televisualist: Borgin’, Borgin’ Along

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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FUN FACT: Simply including a picture of Jeremy Irons (here pictured in “The Borgias”) in your column makes it 200 per cent classier.

Monday

The NCAA Division 1 Men’s Basketball Championship is decided tonight, as everybody-expected-them-to-win-it-going-in Louisville takes on the University of Michigan in what will certainly be a college basketball game. Interestingly, it’s Michigan that has the higher-profile players. Their point guard, Trey Burke, is likely to be a lottery pick in this year’s NBA draft, and the team also features Glenn Robinson III (son of two-time NBA all-star Glenn “the Big Dog” Robinson) and Tim Hardaway Jr. (son of five-time NBA all-star Tim Hardaway), whereas Louisville has nobody particularly famous and is still favoured to win. (CBS, 8 p.m.)

Tonight on The Agenda: Steve Paikin and company discuss the pluses and minuses of building a casino in Toronto. We eagerly await seeing what the pluses are, other than “someplace to legally play blackjack at 2 a.m. when you just really, really need to play some blackjack.” (TVO, 8 p.m.)

Perfect Storms is History Television’s new show about gigantic storms of history, and—wait, this is actually a show about history on History Television! Somebody alert the media! Wait, we are the media! Somebody alert everybody else—wait, that’s our job! It’s all coming together, people! (9 p.m.)


Tuesday

AMC airs Kingdom of Heaven tonight, and, judging by the run time, it’ll be the edited-for-theatres cut, which is not great, because it cuts the full version to shreds and makes a lot of the movie not make sense. This is a shame, because the full version of the movie (which you can watch on DVD or Blu-ray) is really quite good. Watch that one instead. It’s just over three hours with no commercials, rather than AMC’s edited version, which will be three hours with lots of commercials. (8 p.m.)

Ready For Love dares to ask the burning question: will women sign up to be contestants on a game show where they’ll have to compete to date a a rich, good-looking guy? Oh, wait, we all already knew the answer to that because The Bachelor has been around forever. At least Eva Longoria is the host this time. She’s kind of fun, right? (NBC, 8 p.m.)

Chopped All-Stars is fun because it basically takes people from The Food Network and people from The Cooking Channel and forces you to remember which are which. That’s even harder here in Canada, since Food Network Canada airs shows from both networks. (Food Network Canada, 9 p.m.)

Disaster Decks is a show where handymen come and fix up terrible decks. We think this is a misuse of the word “disaster.” Did anybody die on these decks? (As a result of the decks themselves, we mean, rather than just your garden-variety “somebody got murdered on this deck,” since that wouldn’t be the deck’s fault.) (HGTV, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Over on Survivor, post-tribal-merge, things are rapidly becoming interesting. Last week’s attempted blindside by Corinne failed miserably and got her booted, mostly because Corinne is an idiot. (When Phillip came to her and suggested splitting the vote in order to eliminate one of two members of her secret alliance, Corinne should have simply said “okay” and then gotten all of her alliance to vote for Phillip, but we guess Corinne didn’t ever master skills like “counting.”) In the process she revealed the entirety of Malcolm’s secret alliance, which leaves Malcolm vulnerable—except, of course, that his alliance has not one but two immunity idols among them, and they only have to strip away one vote from the existing alliance and they’ll be back on top anyway. And also Malcolm, unlike Corinne, is not a damned idiot. But mostly we’re watching because Cochran’s interviews this year are the best thing ever. He’s awesome. (Global, 8 p.m.)


Thursday

The Moment is a reality show where normal everyday folks get to live their dreams from when they were younger. So basically it’s Thrill of a Lifetime. Except not made here. It’s just aired here, because that’s much cheaper for Canadian networks. Also, the hair is better now. (Bravo!, 10 p.m.)


Friday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Margical History Tour,” which is one of those “let’s do three vignettes with the Simpsons cast telling stories from other settings” episodes, this time doing historical stories. “Mom, everyone who ever lived is boring.” (Comedy Network, 8:30 p.m.)


The Weekend

So this current run of Doctor Who is getting nerds all hepped up because they don’t like the new companion (who is, apparently, a manic pixie dream girl) and because they don’t like Steven Moffat’s take on the Doctor (you can find all sorts of long essays about it, most of which can be summarized as “it’s not like it was when I was a kid and that is wrong”). Us, we think it’s good enough as Doctor Who goes, so maybe we are not nerding properly. We don’t know. (Space, 8 p.m. Saturday)

Best Ink returns, because there needed to be a competition show for tattoo artists. If it got cancelled there would be a void in our competition show universe. At some point they’ll figure out a way to do a competition show for “being pointlessly snarky on the internet” and then watch out, world, because that is our ticket to the big time. (MuchMoreMusic, 9 p.m. Sunday)

Back for its third season: The Borgias, which has long since surpassed The Tudors (not that doing this was hard, considering that The Tudors was awful), mostly because, come on, it has Jeremy Irons in it, so how are you surprised it’s good? Seriously, do we have to hold your hand for all of this stuff?. Okay, yes, he was also in Dungeons and Dragons, we admit that, but one would think the lack of dungeons and/or dragons in this instance would be a tip-off that this is a classier work than the one where Jeremy Irons played an evil wizard. (Bravo, 10 p.m. Sunday)

CORRECTION: April 9, 2:00PM The post previously stated that The Borgias was airing on Showcase, when, in fact, it will be airing on Bravo. The correction has been made above.

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