Televisualist: A Teevee Show AND A Vidya Game
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Televisualist: A Teevee Show AND A Vidya Game

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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“Man, this sure looks ominous. I wish I wasn’t trapped in a time loop that made causality into a cruel joke.” (From “Continuum.”)

Monday

For those interested in seeing how something goes viral—or not—in real time, you may be inclined to tune into WWE RAW tonight, because “Fandangoing” is on the verge of becoming a thing. If you do not know what Fandangoing is, let us explain: the WWE recently debuted a new wrestler called Fandango, whose gimmick is that he is an evil ballroom dancer who insists that his name must be pronounced “Fahn-DAHN-goh.” (“No, no, you’re doing it wrong, you have to let the As breathe.”) This is of course tremendously silly and therefore quite fun, but has little to do with Fandangoing, which is about singing—or, well, musically groaning—Fandango’s cheesy-but-catchy theme. And now it’s starting to catch on. But only just. This is a fascinating look at how memes are born and must then survive in the cruel, harsh world outside their homes. (The Score, 8:15 p.m.)

Defiance is getting a lot of press because it’s a teevee show and a vidya game all at once! It’s a teevee-vidya-game show! The stuff that happens on your teevee will affect the vidya game! The vidya game will tie into the teevee show! It’s synergy, people! Synergy! We ain’t gonna see stuff like this happening again for a long time! (FOR MAXIMUM EFFECT, READ THIS BLURB IN A “SLEAZY HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER” VOICE.) (Showcase, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

Storage Wars returns for a fourth season of non-ironically profiting off the loss and pain of other people. Whee! They’re like vultures, except less necessary to the ecosystem! (A&E, 9 p.m.)

Also returning: The Real Housewives of Miami, which profits off your loss (of time better spent elsewhere) and pain (when you watch it). Since your participation in this is voluntary, we will go ahead and say that this is slightly more upstanding than what the Storage Wars people do. (Slice, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

The Toronto Raptors play their last game of the season at home against the Boston Celtics, in a year which, while not outright disastrous, was exceptionally disappointing: the team is battling for a ninth-place finish (against a Philadelphia team that traded away a lot of talent for a star player who spent the entire season injured), has no lottery picks at all this season (since we traded them all away), has no star player (Rudy Gay is not a star player), is carrying enough salary to take it into luxury-tax territory next season, isn’t playing even .500 ball since the Rudy Gay trade, and has played mediocre-to-bad offense and defense all season. The positives are that our rookies this year played reasonably well and Amir Johnson has shown himself to be an excellent player. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people on the team who are not Amir Johnson. Next season looks to be more of the same, most likely, since most Raptors fans are sadly expecting that Bryan Colangelo will continue to keep his job despite the team having missed the playoffs for five straight seasons. (TSN2, 8 p.m.)

The Ron James Show concludes its fourth season of being the CBC’s finest comedy-adjacent show. (CBC, 8:30 p.m.)


Thursday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “That 90’s Show,” which is mostly interesting because The Simpsons‘ need for a sliding timeline forces them to recast Homer and Marge as coming-of-age in the 1990s and puts Homer in a grunge band with Carl, Lenny, and Apu. “Things happened between your mother and me that we’re not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the 1990s.” “The ’90s? Never heard of it.” (CFMT, 6 p.m.)

Doc Zone brings us “The Secret World of Gold,” which will be an informative hour-long investigation into who really owns most of the world’s gold. SPOILER: It will not be Mike Myers speaking with a Belgian accent. (CBC, 9 p.m.)


Friday

Slice’s Money Moron is another show about people who spend money stupidly and need a bossy person life coach to set them straight. It is different from all the other shows about this sort of thing because oh wait they didn’t explain that in my press packet. Which they did not send anyway, and really, I was going to trash this show and we all knew it, so I really can’t blame them for not sending a press packet. Well done, Slice. Well done. (9 p.m.)


The Weekend

Continuum comes back for its second season, after a first season where Americans were actually envious of Canadians getting to watch a show that they couldn’t watch for once, which was such a wonderful novelty for dedicated Canadian telly-watchers that we all were in danger of choking on the sheer schadenfreude of it all. Anyway, last season Young Alec managed to read a message from Old Future Alec, and this will apparently affect him in some way. Also—and you will be surprised to hear this—the protagonist did not go out to sea forever and abandon the narrative! Shocking! (Showcase, 9 p.m. Sunday)

What Would Ryan Lochte Do? is a question literally nobody in the history of mankind has ever asked, which is precisely why it is so bold of E! Canada to have asked it. (10 p.m. Sunday)

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