Televisualist: Look At All These Celebrities All Over The Place
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Televisualist: Look At All These Celebrities All Over The Place

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Dee Snider’s nose-tilt exaggerated for comic effect.


Here Comes Honey Boo Boo runs some special “family sized” reruns with additional footage, in case you felt you weren’t getting the whole story! (TLC, 8 p.m.)


Celebrity Wife Swap begins a second season, because TV hates you. Tonight, Kate Gosselin and Kendra Wilkinson swap lives, despite the fact that Kate Gosselin is not married to anyone and therefore not technically a “wife,” but who cares because she’s famous. (ABC, 8 p.m.)

Lowcountry Raiders is a show about dueling teams of fossil hunters. It’s a damn weird industry to have a bitter feud in, but that’s why Discovery Channel shows are more interesting than anything on, well, we’re not going to mention other channels but maybe they kind of rhyme with “B.L.T.” and also used to not suck. (8 p.m.)

Robot Combat League is a television show hosted by professional wrestler Chris Jericho. It’s about eight-foot-tall robots that fight each other. You already know if you want to watch this. Jokes are utterly pointless. (Space, 10 p.m.)


Guess what: Big Brother Canada exists because Canadian TV is dead inside. The host is Arisa Cox, a former host on E! Canada (because of course she was) and also a former member of “classic” Canadian reality show U8TV: The Lofters, which you probably managed to forget, and we apologize for reminding you. (Global, 9 p.m.)

Stranded is a new reality show where people are dumped in an isolated location, like Survivor. But instead of having to do challenges and vote people off the island, instead…it is kind of spooky, we guess? It’s kind of like The Blair Witch Project except with even less of a plot. (Space, 10 p.m.)


The Simpsons rerun of the week: “How I Spent My Strummer Vacation,” where Homer goes to a fantasy rock music camp. Not the strongest episode (it’s a slow week), but the cameos and guest stars are uncommonly well voice-acted. “Cheer up, Homer. It’s only rock ‘n’ roll camp.” “But I like it!” (Comedy Network, 8:30 p.m.)


So there is this show, Fashion Police, which is basically like Mystery Science Theater 3000 except it’s Joan Rivers and her cronies making fun of rich people wearing clothes and also it’s soulless and horrible, and tonight is its 2013 Academy Awards special! We mention this because right now, as we write this, we’re watching the Oscars, and Seth MacFarlane is horrible, and so we will mention Fashion Police in the hopes that they make fun of Seth MacFarlane. They probably won’t, though. (E! 9:30 p.m.)

The Weekend

Red Widow features Radha Mitchell as the wife of a gangster who never wanted her children to be exposed to gangster life, but her husband is a gangster and he dies and then she has to become a gangster herself to protect her children from the other gangsters and gangstering is her only way out of gangstering. (ABC, 9 p.m. Sunday)

Donald Trump returns with All-Star Celebrity Apprentice! Omarosa! Lil Jon! Dee Snider! Stephen Baldwin! Bret Michaels! La Toya Jackson! And many other people who are just famous enough to show up on “Celebrity” reality shows, except this time it is the best of them! Which does not explain the curious lack of Flavor Flav. Also: Joan Rivers and Piers Morgan are guest judges this time around, because irony is dead. (NBC, 9 p.m. Sunday)

Welcome to Myrtle Manor is a reality show about people living in a trailer park, because TLC doesn’t even bother having a hook for reality shows about lower-class white people anymore. “They’re white and kinda poor” is enough of a pitch meeting at TLC these days. (Sunday, 10 p.m.)

There’s probably a really obnoxious atheism-themed joke about how The Bible, a dramatic television series, is airing on History Television, but we aren’t going to make it. Instead, we will simply note that this is the first scripted program produced by Mark “Survivor” Burnett, and all of our jokes will be “voted off the Ark”-themed. (8 p.m. Sunday)

Vikings: it’s like they saw Game of Thrones and said “pretty good, but you know what it needs? Less magic and talent.” (History Television, 10 p.m. Sunday)