They Heard the News Today, Oh Boy: Farewell, Ford Edition
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They Heard the News Today, Oh Boy: Farewell, Ford Edition

The worst of the worst from comments sections around the web.

Every so often, the internet reminds us that it is a horrible place. They Heard the News Today, Oh Boy seeks to combat that by collecting the worst of the worst comments from Toronto news sites and punishing them with words of our own.

This will, in all likelihood, be the last edition of “They Heard The News Today, Oh Boy,” simply because we all live in a changing internet media landscape. In the next six months, practically all of Toronto’s newspapers will be paywalled, and if there is one type of person who isn’t willing to pay for a newspaper online, it is pretty much everybody crazy people who rant in comments sections. Also, all of the Toronto papers have begun to moderate their comments sections far more actively than they have in the past, which means you get far less amusing-yet-troubling racism/sexism/homophobia/general hatred of everybody. It will be a sad day when we can no longer go a-nutpicking from Toronto media’s finest commenters (most of whom probably live in Alberta).

Nowadays, it takes a veritable flood of commenters to break through the newly created institutional walls at the Sun, Post, Star, and Globe. However, when Rob Ford was ousted from office on Monday by the courts, we were treated to what may well be the last truly perfect storm in Toronto media commenting history.

Because This Is Just Like When Young African-American Men Were Beaten and Hanged

Phil Is Gonna Go Get His Camera and Binoculars RIGHT NOW

The Number of Sports Teams a Politician Coaches Is a Valuable Metric by Which We Can Determine His Suitability for the Job

I Can Think of No Better Budget Chief Than a Man Quite Possibly Allergic to Basic Arithmetic

Rob Ford Was Just Too Damn Manly to Be Mayor of Toronto

You Stupid Ignorant Bigots Are So Immature!

First Up Against the Wall When the Revolution Comes

Gee, the Mayor Attending Orientation Sessions, That’s an Awful Clever Idea You Just Had There

So I Think This Guy’s Point Is That Coming Here in the First Place Was a Bad Call, and Really, We Should All Just Move Back to Wherever We Came From and Let the First Nations Have Canada Again, Because David Miller and Taxes

In Case You Forgot: Ford Nation Doesn’t Much Care for Pride

No, Really, They Don’t Much Care for Pride, Not Even a Little Bit

Wait, Does This Mean Rob Ford Has to Jump Down Into the Fighting Pits and Kill a Man With a Broken Bottle? Because, Seriously, We Would Watch That, Even if We Would Feel Sort Of Guilty About it Afterwards

For Starters, They Both Got 47 Per Cent of the Vote

The Truth Is That Clayton Ruby—One of the Most Famous Lawyers in Canada—Took This Gig for Free Advertising

Although the Idea of David Miller as the Advisor of Sweet Fruit Assortments Is Enticing, We Don’t Quite Understand the Part About the Pageboy Haircuts


Gee, the Mayor Getting Legal Advice, That’s an Awful Clever Idea You Just Had There

For Maximum Comedy Value, Read This in “Homer Simpson Being Sarcastic” Voice

And Now, a Comment That Was Probably Copy/Pasted From Mid-2010

You Might Think This Guy is Spam Posting, But Actually This is Just What Happens When You Try to Post a Comment While Listening to Dubstep

This Society Has Too Many Laws. Please Remove Three

One Day Ayn Rand Will Come Back From the Dead to Run for Mayor and Then YOU WILL ALL BE SORRY

Gee, a Predictable Legal Outcome for a Given Action, That’s an Awful Clever Idea You Had Just There

Look, if Someone Sinks This City Into the Lake, I’m Gonna Have to Learn My Girls How to Swim, and Ain’t No Way I’m Spendin’ My Money on That

And Finally, as Always, We Close With a Sad Truth

[Disclaimer: Adam Chaleff-Freudentaler—who introduced the applicant in this case, Paul Magder, to his, lawyer, Clayton Ruby—is in a personal relationship with Torontoist editor Hamutal Dotan. She was not involved in conceptualization, writing, or editing of this post.]