Televisualist: Teens Choose Wars
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Televisualist: Teens Choose Wars

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

Unfortunately there was some miscommunication this week and Brett thought that we would be discussing the Bad Choice Awards. Hence, this.


Market Warriors is another show about antiquing and people picking through antique markets to find undervalued items. FUN FACT: Antiquing is about as far from war as it is humanly possible to get. (PBS, 9 p.m.)

Eureka concludes its abbreviated fifth season as Carter tries to shut down unstable wormholes before the town of Eureka is destroyed. This has been a fun little series in that “TV smart” sort of way (e.g. “smart, but not so smart you can’t sit down with some popcorn to watch it”) and we will be sad to see it go. After all, it’s not like there are going to be any unstable wormholes on Mad Men. Unless they really go a different way with the show next season. (Space, 10 p.m.)


It’s the 2012 Ontario Junior Division Spelling Bee! We love us some spelling bee action. (Rogers 10, 8 p.m.)

History Detectives returns for its tenth season of finding out interesting things about the past and trying to make them seem much more dramatic than they really were. Maybe they should call it History Warriors instead. Or History Murderers. Murder is exciting, PBS! Miss Marple could tell you that much. (9 p.m.)


Virgin Diaries returns to television because TLC hates you. This week’s new virgins include Skippy, a 34-year-old T-shirt designer who lives at his parents’ home, and Lindsey, a 32-year-old widow who either had tremendously awful luck or really bad planning re: her marriage before her husband died. Either way, this show makes us feel oogy. (9 p.m.)

Shipping Wars is about independent truckers and shippers who transport the items traditional carriers can’t or won’t ship, which, much like antiquing, is nothing like war. (Outdoor Life, 9 p.m.)


We have not previously discussed Snooki and Jwoww. This is a notice to inform you, our readership, that we will continue not to discuss this show. In fact, from here on out, we will pretend that it is, instead, old episodes of Newhart. Oh, Tom Poston, you comic rascal, you. (MTV Canada, 10 p.m.)


The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Marge Gets a Job,” wherein Marge is lonely at home so she gets a job at the plant, and then Mr. Burns falls in love with her. “Last week, some Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn’t let them leave. They snuck away when I went into the kitchen to get more lemonade.” (Comedy Network, 8 p.m.)

The Weekend

It’s the Teen Choice Awards! We have no idea why anybody reading this would want to watch this awards show, where the various best movie categories include films like Abduction, Act of Valor, American Reunion, Wrath of the Titans, Mirror Mirror, This Means War, What To Expect When You’re Expecting and, of course, the most recent Twilight. But Televisualist is nothing if not a completist when it comes to making sure you know about awards shows which can distract you from your (potentially) depressing life. Or, you could go out and live life to the fullest. Nahhhhhh. (Global, 8 p.m. Sunday)

Mighty Ships is Discovery’s new show about, well, really big ships. This first episode is about the Crystal Serenity, which sounds like a bad perfume but is, in fact, the “world’s top cruise ship.” FUN FACT: the world’s “top cruise ship” is whichever one porn companies have not yet shot a porn movie on, so it changes every two or three years. We bet you didn’t know that! It’s highly technical, their ranking system. (8 p.m. Sunday)

Bar Rescue returns for a second season, because the Kitchen Nightmares formula is really very durable, even when you don’t have Gordon Ramsay or American Gordon Ramsay (who is like British Gordon Ramsay, but meaner) or the mean bald guy from MasterChef who could probably do the same thing. (Spike, 9 p.m. Sunday)

Twenty Twelve concludes its Canadian run, and this satire about the preparations for the London Olympics has really lived up to expectations. If you want to know why Canadian comedy shows are so often disappointing, this is a good object lesson: Twenty Twelve has been absolutely merciless towards London, the U.K., the British government, sports, and everything else it touches upon. Canadian comedy shows, on the other hand, all too often decide that they have to be in some way nice, because… comedy is about being nice? Because we have a mental image of ourselves as being polite and friendly at all costs? The The Daily Show could never be made in this country. (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)