Televisualist: OH GOD DUCK IT’S THE OLYMPICS
Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
Bachelor Pad returns for its third season; this time, the twist is that in addition to previous Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, there are some “super fans” of the shows who are also contestants. Shocking surprise #1: most of the “super fans” are women (since there are more Bachelor seasons than Bachelorettes, and also we would hope ladies would have more fucking sense than guys with respect to this show). Shocking surprise #2: most of the “super fans” are professional reality-show auditioneers, led by a pair of twins who previously applied to be on Big Brother and The Real World, and who managed to get on Jersey Shore when they messed around with The Situation. Anyway, sign of the end of human civilization #5,027, move along, et cetera. (Global, 8 p.m.)
YTV has picked up How To Rock, the latest Nickelodeon sitcom about kids who sing and stuff. This one stars Cymphonique Miller (daughter of Master P) as a girl who gets kicked out of her Heathers-like band and then joins a band of “nerds” who are about as nerdy as people who are not very nerdy. Come for the music, stay for the references to the internet and social media written by fortysomethings who don’t really use either in the way that kids do! (8 p.m.)
The Almighty Johnsons is a fun little series from New Zealand about a family whose members are, in fact, all reincarnated Norse gods. Once you get past the weird logistics issues (wait, the teenager is Odin, but his grandfather is Balder, who is…Odin’s son? BUT THAT DOES NOT WORK), you’ve got a clever bit of fantasy fluff television here. (Space, 9 p.m.)
It’s the finals of American Ninja Warrior, because if it went on any longer it would conflict with the Olympics and make you realize how lame the Olympics are when compared to the Ninja Warrior obstacle course. No, really, we’re quite serious. (NBC, 9 p.m.)
It is the 1,000th episode of Monday Night RAW, which the WWE has been trumpeting for months now as being really important because it is the longest weekly episodic show on television. Well, except for Wide World of Sports, but that doesn’t count when the WWE doesn’t want it to count, because the thing about being “sports entertainment” is that you pick the appropriate adjective-modifier whenever it suits you. Anyway, tonight marks RAW going to three hours every week, three hours that will presumably be filled with lots of Touts, since the WWE has heavily invested in “the video equivalent of Twitter.” Also, we can expect to see previous RAW greats like D-Generation X, Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Rock, and Brock Lesnar. And, finally, if you want to watch wrestling on your wrestling show, John Cena (booooooo!) has promised to challenge CM Punk (yayyyyyyyy!) for the WWE championship. It’s so exciting we may just have to set up a 15-second short video on the internet to describe our excitement! If only there were a service that would let us do that. (The Score, 9 p.m.)
Hey, it’s the 2012 Ontario Intermediate Division Spelling Bee! Which will be just like last week’s junior-division spelling bee, but more…uh…intermediate. (Rogers 10, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Homer’s Triple Bypass,” where Dr. Nick first really comes into his own. “The kneebone’s connected to the…something. The something’s connected to the…red thing. The red thing’s connected to my wrist watch…. Uh oh.” (Comedy Network, 8 p.m.)
Hey, it’s the Olympics! “But wait,” you say, “the Olympics don’t start until Friday.” And that’s true, except for women’s soccer, which starts right now because we just couldn’t wait to see Team Canada (yayyyyy!) take on Japan (booooo!). (TSN, 11:30 a.m.)
This week’s Wipeout is the annual “Blind Date” theme show, where total strangers are paired together in a strictly heterosexual context to bounce all over the giant obstacle course and awkwardly pretend to be even remotely attracted to one another for the sake of the TV producers shouting at them in the background. You’ll go “ooooch” for multiple reasons this episode! (ABC, 8 p.m.)
3 is a dating reality show based on a similar show in Israel where three women from different backgrounds will share a luxury suite while trying to find true love by dating men. The show was a huge hit in Israel, ostensibly because it “allowed the men to say no,” but realistically because trashy dating shows are international in appeal. (CBS, 10 p.m.)
And now that we’ve gotten that women’s soccer out of the way, here are the opening ceremonies for the 30th Summer Olympics. Which are already on their way to being the Most Despised Olympics ever, as plenty of Britons are pissed off that Olympics that were promised to cost about two billion pounds have instead cost more than 14 billion pounds; plenty of Londoners are pissed off because the government has decided to dedicate traffic for tourists rather than the people who actually live in the city and have to, like, go to work because their jobs didn’t give them the Olympics off; other people are pissed off because the Olympics converted the largest expanse of soccer fields in all of Europe into a carpark for Olympics guests; still others are pissed off because the government has hired officers to go through the country to keep people from using Olympic words like “Olympics,” “gold,” “silver,” “bronze,” or “London” in their street signs; people who are actually going to the Olympics are pissed off because the Olympics won’t give them a straight answer about whether or not they’ll get kicked out of events if they wear Nike shoes, and have found out that only McDonald’s is allowed to serve fries; the London Games’ logo looks like a stylized picture of Lisa Simpson giving somebody a blowjob; and finally, the Olympic mascots look like anthropomorphized, cuddly security cameras. Before any of us looking on over here get smug, remember: we’ve got the Pan American games coming in 2015, Toronto, and we can certainly find a way to screw that up. (CTV, 4 p.m.; replay at 7:30 p.m.)
It’s the Olympics! We
eagerly look forward to two whole weeks of writing about nothing else but the fucking Olympics, which we mostly hate like poison. Fuck you, the Olympics! FUCK YOU.
Anyway: on Saturday, CTV kicks off (at 4 a.m.) with rowing, swimming, cycling, judo, women’s weightlifting, and the Canada/South Africa women’s soccer game. Meanwhile, NBC will show the USA/Croatia women’s basketball game, and presumably a whole lot of “stories” about American athletes. Outdoor Life Network, for some reason, will show equestrian dressage (you know, the thing where the horses dance, because that is so fucking Olympian right there) at 9 a.m.
On Sunday (again, starting at 4 a.m., because that is when the British people get up), we get rowing, swimming, beach volleyball (that most British of sports), women’s diving, more cycling, and the USA versus Serbia at water polo, which we bet you forgot even existed until we just mentioned it.