Televisualist: Upstairs in the House
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Televisualist: Upstairs in the House

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

But dance for Nigel Lythgoe only one day per week, now.


Monday

House comes to a final conclusion. The title of its final episode? “Everybody Dies.” That’s House for you: positive to the very last drop! And the last drop is probably lupus. (Global, 8 p.m.)

River Monsters is your standard Discovery Channel reality show (which is not a bad thing). This one is about people who hunt crocodiles and alligators and the like, because those things are really very scary. (That’s why the show is about the river hunters, not why the river hunters hunt crocodiles. Our theory for the latter is that these are crazy people who are crazy.) (10 p.m.)


Tuesday

It’s the season finale of Glee! The kids all graduate! Maybe the next crop of singing-spawn-teens will be less horrible than this crop (we know that the next time we see Rachel, in particular, will be too soon). However, we still have Mr. Schuester sticking around, and as long as Mr. Schuester sticks around, we can rest assured that there will be horrible people on Glee. (Global, 9 p.m.)

It’s also the season finale of Dancing With The Stars, but there’s nobody really famous as a finalist so who cares. O, Urkel, where hath you gone? (CTV, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

American Idol announces the winner of its eleventh season in a two-hour extravaganza with lots of famous people singing. We would check to see who are the famous people singing, but really, we’re not going to pretend we care. All that matters is the wonderful fact that one of the two finalists is named “Phillip Phillips,” which is probably the best thing that’s happened this month. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

When Downton Abbey first became popular a couple years ago, that fever for British-made television costume drama sadly did not extend to the return of Upstairs Downstairs—possibly because it wasn’t a remake of the original series, but a continuation of it, right to Jean Marsh playing Rose once more. People don’t like to be reminded these days that there was in fact television in the 1970s. But Upstairs Downstairs is a good drama, lasted two seasons, and is worth some eyeballing, especially if you like Downton. (Vision, 9 p.m.)


Thursday

So You Think You Can Dance returns for season nine, and this year Fox has gotten stingy: no results shows, and just one episode per week during the competition phase (presumably because ratings are lower than they have been). It’s kind of a shame that the show is suffering because of the fact that there are approximately 7,000 different singing competition shows out there, but we expected something like this might happen once Nigel Lythgoe decided to fix what wasn’t broken and in turn alienated much of his viewership. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

Spekaing of those 7,000 different singing competition shows, one of them is Duets. The spin on this one is that the celebrity singer/judges (Lionel Richie, Robin Thicke, Jennifer Nettles, and, in a “coming full circle” moment, Kelly Clarkson, the person who won the first American Idol and is therefore at least partially responsible for Duets existing in the first place), rather than simply judging the contestants, will instead be singing—wait for it—duets with them, and picking the best partners. So if you really, really love Lionel Richie, your ship has come in! (Global, 8 p.m.)

Rookie Blue returns, presumably because NYC 22 flopped so hard it left marks on the ground. (CTV, 10 p.m.)


Friday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “There’s Something About Marrying,” wherein Homer becomes an ordained minister and performs same-sex marriages (a.k.a. “The episode where Patty comes out.”). “I’m proud of you, Homer. You have given a chance for everyone to express love in its most purest form—a binding legal contract.” (CJMT, 10:30 p.m.)


The Weekend

Best Ink is basically Top Chef but for tattoo artists. That sentence should tell you whether or not you are the target audience for this show. (MuchMoreMusic, 8 p.m. Sunday)

Fans of Game of Thrones fall into two camps: the ones who haven’t read the books and just know that this week features the big battle at King’s Landing, and the ones who have read the books and have been waiting for years to see the Battle of the Blackwater on the screen. Either way, the show reportedly spent an immense amount of money to get the scene just right. We’re looking forward to it, because it sounds awesome. (HBO Canada, 9 p.m. Sunday)

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