Televisualist: Human Garbage
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Televisualist: Human Garbage

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

Brett really wanted to make a joke about neutrinos, so we officially present an extremely laboured tie-in to Ashley Judd's new television series, mostly because Fringe is a rerun this week.


Monday

The Big Decision is the latest in CBC’s bold line of “let’s have people beg the stars of Dragon’s Den for help” shows. In this one, businesses on the brink of failure compete for the opportunity to have Jim Treliving or Arlene Dickinson invest in them. CBC promises a “Fear-Sweat-O-Cam” that will zoom in on the beads of sweat generated by the sheer humiliation and terror these people feel as they abase themselves before an entire nation! Okay, CBC doesn’t actually promise that, but these days it is entirely possible. (9 p.m.)

The Bachelor concludes, and we are officially out of Bachelor jokes. We don’t know why people watch this show. Sorry, but our investigative-journalism powers have failed us and you. We officially declare this show a Mystery of the Universe. (ABC, 8 p.m.)

Top Chef Canada returns for a second season, which…okay, you know how Canadian Idol always came across as the weak sister of American Idol, not just because of the lesser starpower but also on all other levels—it just felt more cheaply made across the board? Top Chef Canada is like that, except much more so. (Food Network, 10 p.m.)

The season premiere of 1000 Ways to Die tells you how you would die if a ferret chewed its way out of your anus after having been inserted into it, which is as extreme a sign of jumping the shark as ever there has been. Not that this show ever had a golden age to speak of from whence it could vault over the aforementioned shark, but still. (Spike, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

NBC, having already tweaked American Idol and turned it into The Voice and having had some success that way, tries to do it again with Fashion Star, which is basically Project Runway, minus Tim Gunn, plus Elle Macpherson. This time the twist is that the show will have major American retailers like Saks bidding on the competitors’ lines and then making them immediately available for purchase. Another twist is that the judges are Jessica Simpson and Nicole Richie, because irony is dead. (CTV2, 8:30 p.m.)


Wednesday

Generally, Televisualist does not opine on Survivor until the two tribes merge, but in this case we must abandon that policy because of Colton. who is Colton, you may ask? Well, initially, viewers suspected that Colton was cast merely because he is the most flamingly gay man in Survivor history, but since then we have all discovered that he was actually cast because he is human garbage. Thanks to another player giving him an immunity idol, Colton has taken over the men’s tribe entirely, and revealed himself to be an utterly smug, entitled, selfish, classist, and racist dickhead. Last week, the men won immunity for their tribe, and Colton convinced his allies to give it away because he hated Bill, another member of the tribe, just that much. Why did he hate Bill? Because Bill is a “struggling comedian,” and Colton deemed this “not a real job.” He also often proclaims that he is “against handouts” because he is a Republican. Colton, for the record, is a college student whose family is rich (when asked if he ever spent time with black people, he explained that he had a black housekeeper who was “like family”) and who is only still in the game because someone gave him an immunity idol. In short, Colton makes Russell Hantz look like a saint. (Global, 8 p.m.)

If you felt you were not watching enough rednecks on TV, good news! Swamp People is back for a third season! Hooray! Swamps! Gators! Swamp boats! And other such things. (History TV, 9 p.m.)


Thursday

The 2012 NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Tournament or, as it is better known, March Madness, begins its second round tonight. (The “first round” is a single game between the Missisippi Valley State Delta Devils and the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers to see who qualifies as the 16th seed in the South Regional bracket, which really means “to see who gets stomped to death by the Kentucky Wildcats.” We are rooting for the Delta Devils, as they have the better team name.) Anyway, college basketball is always wildly entertaining (assuming you like basketball even a little), so this should be a good evening of sport, followed by another week and a half of it. (CBS, beginning at 12:10 p.m.; TSN, 7 p.m.)

Nerds, rejoice: Community returns tonight! A trailer for the remainder of the season surfaced last week and promised the return of the Evil Community Universe Where They All Wear Goatees, Britta impersonates Michael Jackson, Chang tasers himself in the nutsack, and there is a pillow fight to end all pillow fights. Sentences like that are why Community is the best show currently airing on the television. (City, 8 p.m.)

Missing is basically like Taken, the movie starring Liam Neeson, except instead of a daughter going missing it is a son going missing, instead of Liam Neeson it is Ashley Judd, and instead of being a two-hour movie it is an ongoing television series. We feel that this is enough information for you to decide whether or not this is worth watching. Us, we’re going with Community, because, well, it’s kind of obvious, really. (CTV, 8 p.m.)


Friday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Thank God It’s Doomsday,” wherein Homer predicts the Rapture. “Homer, I’m glad you’re finally getting some exercise. I just wish it wasn’t crazy exercise.” (Comedy Network, 8 p.m.)


The Weekend

Canada’s Smartest Person is a contest between four as-yet unknown participants competing in six different types of intelligence (musical, interpersonal, mathematic, et cetera), and the Audience At Home can play along. As the show explains, everybody is smart in a certain way! Except for truly stupid people. The show does not admit the existence of truly stupid people, but…we know they’re out there. (CBC, 8 p.m. Sunday)

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