Televisualist: Know It All About Football
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Televisualist: Know It All About Football

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

In contrast, we here at Televisualist proudly proclaim that we know absolutely nothing.



Monday

It’s the 2012 AHL All-Star Game, for those who want to see minor-league hockey’s all-star game. We assume there are some of you who would indeed enjoy seeing such a thing. If not, kindly disregard this message. (Sportsnet, 7 p.m.)

Canada’s Greatest Know-It-All appears to be a sort of Canadian twist on Survivor, where the challenges are given 100 per cent weight and there is no social game: the contestants are given puzzles and relatively open-ended challenges to complete, and are gradually eliminated as the show goes on. Terrible title aside (and really: it’s a horrible title), this show actually sounds pretty interesting. (Discovery, 10 p.m.)


Tuesday

Tonight is the Florida Republican primary. Depending on which recent polls you read, this is either where Mitt Romney will finally crush Newt Gingrich once and for all, or where Newt Gingrich will deliver a shocking upset and show that Mitt Romney is not the inevitable nominee. At this point, Romney is widely predicted to be the more likely winner—not least because his campaign and his associated political action committees (which, of course, he in no way controls, wink wink, nudge nudge) have spent $15 million in Florida, whereas Gingrich’s campaign and his PACs have spent only $2.5 million (almost all of which has come from one cranky billionaire). If you find the state of American politics depressing, take heart. Barack Obama is currently beating the pants off both Romney and Gingrich in any hypothetical matchup in Florida, mostly because of the Republicans’ constant negative campaigning, but also because Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are lousy candidates (and Gingrich, at least, is also a lousy human being). (CNN, 7 p.m.)

Key and Peele is a new American sketch-comedy series starring two black comics, Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele, and race is a central part of their humour (which tends toward the intelligent and dark). Most notably, they’ve managed to really capture Barack Obama as a source of comedy in a way that most other comedians haven’t, so they’ve got that going for them. (Comedy Network, 10:30 p.m.)

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Boy Meets Curl,” where Homer and Marge compete in curling in the Vancouver Olympics. Okay, so it’s not that good, but hey: Vancouver! “Let us curl, milady. Let us throw and sweep atwain until the heavens themselves drop their jaws in wonder and envy. And afterwards there’ll be beer and cocoa with marshmallows floating in the foam. And if, from now till the end of time, someone should ask what we were doing on the eve of the seventeenth of November, we shall proclaim that we were curling!” (Fox, 11 p.m.)


Wednesday

Since CBS doesn’t have the Super Bowl this year, they have settled instead for Super Bowl’s Greatest Commercials, which is exactly what you think it is. Maybe you could play a drinking game centred around how many Budweiser commercials are featured, and how many of them are Bud Lite “whazaaaap” commercials versus inspirational, patriotic commercials featuring horsies. Why are the horsies always patriotic, anyway? I never understood that. I mean, they are horsies. It seems quite doubtful that they would feel allegiance to any nation state, or indeed to anybody who was not feeding them hay and maybe an apple every so often. (8 p.m.)

AMC has The Jerk on tonight. Steve Martin is always worth watching in this, and also it has Bernadette Peters, who is so wonderful it makes you hurt a little bit inside sometimes. (8 p.m.)


Thursday

The Exes is the latest in a string of traditional sitcoms from TVLand in the USA—sitcoms that have been hit (Hot in Cleveland) and miss (Happily Divorced) thus far in terms of quality. The Exes is somewhere in the middle of the quality road, as it has Kristen Johnston from 3rd Rock From The Sun, Donald Faison (Turk!) from Scrubs, and Wayne Knight, who we seem to remember lost a lot of weight a while ago but has apparently gained back quite a bit of it. However, it also has a silly plot (divorce attorney rents her spare apartment to her divorced clients, who share it à la The Odd Couple). Still: Turk. (Global, 8 p.m.)


Friday

Who Do You Think You Are? returns with a second season of celebrities learning about their roots, because it is extremely cheap to produce and because if NBC gets 500 people watching any show at any time, it now considers that a success. Tonight, America learns that Martin Sheen was born Ramon Estevez. Then America sees if it can get Martin Sheen deported. (NBC, 8 p.m.)

I Just Want My Pants Back is a new MTV single-camera comedy about young twenty-somethings trying to find love, enjoy work, and live life in the big city, which was a lot more fun when it was a movie called Reality Bites, and, frankly, even then it was not that much fun. Still, we have to give MTV props for the silliest TV title in recent memory. (Comedy Network, 10 p.m.)


The Weekend

So it’s the Super Bowl, this year contested between the New York Giants and New England Patriots. If this were any other sport, Americans outside of the Northeast would just be sort of shrugging, but it’s football and it’s the Super Bowl, so they all have to pretend it’s a really awesome big deal for them so they can have Super Bowl parties and make chili and watch the thing for the commercials. American football, everybody! (CTV, 6 p.m. Sunday)

This year’s “what comes on right after the Super Bowl” show is the second-season premiere of The Voice, because Cee Lo Green and Christina Aguilera and Country-Western Guy and The Other Guy will all enthrall us. Teasers sent out by NBC imply that one of the singers this year will also—gasp!—be an MC, who will maybe even do a rap on the show. However, the press releases have warned us that this may not happen, as NBC fears that if a singer does a rap on one of their singing shows, minorities could riot, bringing about the downfall of civilization. Even if Christina Aguilera is the one mentoring him! (CTV, 10 p.m. Sunday)

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