culture
Televisualist: Hurley’s a Scientist!
Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
Alcatraz: where anybody can be a scientist! (Not pictured: the foot of a giant statue with only four toes.)
Monday
Alcatraz is J.J. Abrams’ new show (which these days means “J.J. Abrams was in the room when it was being pitched and might have indictated that he totally liked the idea”) about how when Alcatraz was shut down, it was shut down because all of the inmates time-traveled to right now, and now it is a super-secret science base dedicated to catching them again. People are giving this a lot of early love because J.J. Abrams’ shows have a good critical track record and because Jorge Garcia is in it and everybody loves Hurley, even if in this show he is playing a brilliant scientist in what we can only describe as a brave adventure in casting. That having been said: doesn’t the premise for this show sound completely stupid? (City, 8 p.m.)
Betty White’s 90th Birthday: A Tribute to America’s Golden Girl is not intended to remind you that Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, and Rue McClanahan are all dead now and Betty White, the oldest of the four, is the sole survivor. No, rather it is intended to remind us all that Betty White is funny and old and also funny and old, and we are all blessed to have her in our lives, which include the lives of Hugh Jackman, Mary Tyler Moore, and Carol Burnett (who is only 78 and therefore not nearly as impressive as Betty White). Unfortunately, following this completely reasonable tribute special is the premiere of Betty White’s Off Their Rockers, which is a hidden camera show where Betty White lets us watch senior citizens play pranks on young people, and about which the less said the better. Except that this probably should have been on CBS. (NBC, 8 p.m.; Off Their Rockers 9:30 p.m.)
Have you been wondering when Canadian television would give you the chance to watch Melissa and Joey, the modern-day remake of Who’s The Boss with Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence in the Judith Light and Tony Danza roles, respectively? Well, wait no more: now you can watch it from the very first episode! (CMT, 8:30 p.m.)
So the big news at the TV network midseason press junket this past week was that 2 Broke Girls creator Michael Patrick King, best otherwise known for directing the godawful Sex and the City movies, did not only not apologize for the show’s race/ethnicity/gender-based humour, but instead doubled down and promised that there would be more of it. King also suggested that it was all good because the show makes fun of hipsters as well as Asians, and that he can do this sort of thing because he is gay. He then suggested that a TV critic of Irish heritage was having sexual problems because he was Irish. We are not making any of this up. We mention this only because those of you who were hoping that 2 Broke Girls would get past the horrible racist jokes, and instead focus on the great chemistry between Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs, are probably hoping in vain. (8:30 p.m., City).
Tuesday
Oh, my god: Work It got cancelled after only two episodes? In fact, ABC has decided to air reruns of Last Man Standing in its place, because we guess Last Man Standing is somehow less misogynistic and unfunny than Work It is. So this is probably your last chance ever to watch Work It, unless the network burns off the remaining episodes this summer, and they might not even do that. (City, 8:30 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “I’m Goin’ To Praiseland,” where Ned builds a Biblical theme park as a tribute to the late Maude, which causes visions due to natural gas inhalation. “Hello, gas company? How poisonous is your gas?… Wow. But, uh, but I’m talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation, that… How could that be worse?… Okay, permanent brain damage, or just temporary?” (CJMT, 10:30 p.m.)
Wednesday
Since it has been almost a whole month since Fox had a singing competition show on the air, it is obviously time to bring back American Idol, so we can see Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez judging and attempt to figure out which one is which, and so that we do not spend any time without having the opportunity to hear Randy Jackson call people “pitchy.” Because we must have that. (CTV, 8 p.m.)
Thursday
It’s the South Carolina Republican Presidential Debate, because there haven’t been enough of those yet. This one will feature a lack of Jon Huntsman, who has just dropped out of the campaign and endorsed Mitt Romney (and also, less than a week ago, told the nation that Mitt Romney was a striking example of why the country is so deeply divided). Perhaps Huntsman took a look at Mitt Romney’s lead in the South Carolina primary as a sign that it was time to get on board the Mitt train. Of course, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich could all still theoretically give Romney a run for his money in the deeply conservative state, but that would involve any of them being electable, and that is very unlikely. (CNN, 8 p.m.)
It’s been a while since we’ve seen The Fugitive, but damned if it doesn’t hold up really, really well. Harrison Ford’s last truly great action movie (Air Force One—whatever) never stops being exciting, and this is the movie that turned Tommy Lee Jones from character actor to Big Hollywood Deal, and that is a fine thing indeed. (AMC, 8 p.m.)
Friday
Shark Tank, which is what the Americans call Dragon’s Den, returns. Only watch if you are a diehard Dragon’s Den fan and need your fix, or if you are a diehard Kevin O’Leary fan, in which case, on second thought, don’t watch this but instead seek medical attention. (CTV2, 8 p.m.)
The Weekend
Although the Australian Open will have been going on all week, it is only beginning on this weekend that the round of 16 commences (e.g. the exciting part of any tennis tournament). So if you aren’t a diehard tennis fan (and if you were, would you need Televisualist to tell you about the Australian Open?), but want to check out the action, now is when you would do it. (TSN, 9 p.m. Saturday)
Some nerds have begun the exercise of reclaiming Ang Lee’s Hulk as a misunderstood treasure of geek cinema, which it is most certainly not. We actually like Eric Bana as Bruce Banner, and of course Jennifer Connelly is good in anything, but Hulk has a plot with numerous absurd elements (the gamma-irradiated poodles) and which doesn’t make sense (if anybody can explain the ending with Banner’s father and what the Hulk is supposed to be doing in order to beat him, we wish you the best). And although Lee’s idea to try and turn the movie into a “moving comic book” by use of extensive wipes is certainly a unique artistic vision, it’s also a complete failure as a cinematic experiment, because the wipes simply make the movie less watchable, and if your movie about the Hulk isn’t watchable, then what’s the point? (CHCH, 8 p.m. Sunday)