Televisualist: Cross-dressing Equals Laffs!
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Televisualist: Cross-dressing Equals Laffs!

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

Poor, optimistic Ted Haggard.



Monday

The Bachelor returns for its sixteenth season of “well-off white guy bones dates a lot of women desperate for fame, money, or both.” This time around, the Bachelor is Ben Flajnik, who previously struck out on The Bachelorette, as did two of the three previous Bachelors before him (and the third was a previous Bachelor anyway), as the Bachelor franchise grows ever more incestuous. We use that word precisely because this show is creepy and everything about it is creepy. (City, 8 p.m.)

Hoarders returns for its fifth season of pointing at and sometimes judging the mentally ill. If you like that sort of thing. We’re not lecturing you about being bad for liking that sort of thing. It is still better than watching The Bachelor. (A&E, 9 p.m.)


Tuesday

We’re not sure if Work It is demented genius or just pathetic. What is this show, you might ask? Well, it stars that guy who dumped Robin on How I Met Your Mother and Sucre from Prison Break as guys who cross-dress to get jobs as pharmaceutical sales representatives. Yes: it is Bosom Buddies retooled for the modern economy! Except it manages to be ridicuously sexist! We don’t see how a show like this can fail, honestly. Sure, it might be cancelled after two episodes (we’re placing the over/under at three, by the way), but if you watch it you will have seen one of the worst sitcom pilots that we think has ever been made and under no circumstances (for us) can that truly be called “failure.” This show makes Homeboys In Outer Space look like The Wire. (City, 8:30 p.m.)

For everybody who thought Wife Swap wasn’t trainwrecky enough, we present Celebrity Wife Swap. The first episode features Gary Busey and Ted “no, I’m not gay, okay so maybe I screwed a bunch of guys but I’m not gay per se” Haggard swapping their wives, which should go off splendidly. (ABC, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

Global has been strongly promoting Bomb Girls, but unfortunately it’s with some of the most ham-handed advertising Global has ever put together, and if you’ve ever watched Global you know that this is a new achievement for them because ham-handed advertising is, in essence, all of their advertising. However, each advertisement for Bomb Girls makes it seem like every episode will be forty-eight minutes of “well, you girls are needed to make bombs right now, but this is the nineteen-forties and once this war is over you’re going to go back in the kitchen where you belong, because we are evil sexist men” and “making bombs helps me define myself as a person and gives me self-worth!” Is the series better than that? Who knows? But seriously, Global, find better editors. Please. (8 p.m.)

Around the World In 80 Ways is a reality show wherein Boston Rob of Survivor fame and Dennis Anderson of monster truck driving fame travel around the world in various crazy and entertaining ways. There are worse reality shows out there; this one feels like an Amazing Race without the race element, and Boston Rob and Anderson are both entertaining people to follow. (History, 10 p.m.)


Thursday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Homer the Moe,” wherein Homer opens up a bar in his garage after Moe’s gets shut down to renovate itself into a trendier bar. “It’s not about spite, it’s about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe.” (Comedy Network, 8 p.m.)

Jersey Shore returns, because somebody out there hates us. (MTV Canada, 10 p.m.)


Friday

Televisualist doesn’t watch The Closer but Televisualist’s mom does and she quite likes it (she is a big fan of Kyra Sedgwick). So we are endorsing tonight’s sixth-season premiere on that basis. Mom-approved. (W, 8 p.m.)

The Weekend

The Firm is based on the John Grisham novel that was subsequently turned into a Tom Cruise movie and is in fact a sequel to both the book and the film, taking place ten years after the book/movie. Josh Lucas stars as Tom Cruise Replacement, and the cast features Callum Keith Rennie, Molly Parker, Tricia Helfer, Shaun Majumder and lots of other recognizable Canadian actors because the series is shot in Toronto, so if Torontonians watch it they can play “hey I know that place” all day long. It also stars Juliette Lewis, whose movie career is over, we guess. (Global, 9 p.m. Sunday)

PBS has the premiere of the second season of Downton Abbey, for all those of you who are devout Downton fans but do not have the internet and therefore have been forced to wait months to find out about what happens there. (9 p.m. Sunday)

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